White People Hate Themselves

Wordslinger — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 07:23:26 +0000

And we all know it’s true. We have drunken, pill-popping, heroin-shooting celebs like Britney Spears and Amy Winehouse to prove it. And anyone who’s ever taken even one look at Joan Rivers’ face…well, need I say more? That woman hates herself more than I hate the fact that George Bush and I are both from Texas (shudder). The truth is, white people probably hate themselves even more than they hate Sarah Palin, decorative throw pillows, dumbasses with name tats, or any of the other umpteen million things the amazingly funny writers on this site have detailed their hatred for. We hate ourselves so much that we inject our foreheads with poison to plump out the wrinkles, suck fat out of our stomachs to de-plump the mid-drift, and put water balloons in our chests if we’re female and over our calf muscles if we’re male, all to convince ourselves that we are more beautiful, more fit, more thin, that the next person in line, white or not. With white people, the key word is always MORE. More money, more friends, more clothes in the walk-in closet. Hell, even more addictions, more negative publicity, more horribly bad, “unintentionally leaked” sex tapes. And we doubly hate when we can’t get more. Whatever that more happens to be. Hell, we probably even hate ourselves for hating ourselves, something a therapist could surely fix, if we didn’t hate ourselves too much to actually go.

Amy Winehouse

Funny Gossip — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 11:14:38 +0000

Amy Winehouse is literally a crackhead. She prances around the streets of London without a shirt on, which white people normally love, but because she is so abnormally skinny from all the crack, she looks a little like Don Knotts in a bra. Add to that image a 4 foot tall beehive with hypodermic needles poking out from every which way, and you’ve got a European beauty fit for an insane asylum. And as if her general crackishness wasn’t enough, she has the irony to sing a song about refusing rehab, as if she could somehow inject herself sober. White people love being quietly whisked away to rehab centers, telling the kids that they went to visit a long lost sick aunt. But Amy Winehouse is such a mess, she can never quietly disappear. She’ll either have to die a horrible, John Belushi-type death in a French hostel or waste away until she’s skinnier than Victoria Beckham after a weeklong fast so we can’t see her anymore. If only poor Amy had been able to hold it together until she had a second album, white people might have decided to like her, but as of right now, white people hate Amy Winehouse.

Things People Hate » Amy Winehouse

White People Hate Themselves

Amy Winehouse