Zachory Loring, Audrina Patridge’s alleged stalker, is a class act.

He was recently sentenced to 30 days community service after pleading guilty to one count of vandalism for defacing an electrical box in Los Angeles. He was also charged with carrying a switchblade, but that count was dropped as part of the plea deal. None of these charges relate however to another legal problem for Loring. Patridge recently obtained a restraining order against Loring after he allegedly showed up to her house and sent her creepy letters and drawings.

Loring was placed on 36 months probation and can’t possess deadly weapons, aerosol paint containers, felt tip markers, or indelible ink markers. He can carry a pencil.

Which means more drawings are likely to come.

Anybody think those bracelets would sell?

Anyways, the missile launching brought up another, more interesting question for me.

Is Kim Jong-il jealous of all our amazing, wonderfully hot women?

I mean he must be mad at something. And while Asian girls are usually quite hot, we tend to refer to them as “Asian” and not “North Korean.” Maybe they’re not any hot girls in North Korea. Maybe, just maybe, that’s what Kim Jong-il is also pissy about.

Jessica Biel

Scarlett Johansson

Audrina Patridge

Megan Fox

Well in celebration (if not late) of our great country and our beautiful women, I’ve put together a collection of the hottest (I was gona say “and youngest”…although that may have came out wrong) women in the United States.

Happy birthday America!

Beyonce

It features Audrina Patridge clad in a gold bikini chomping on a hamburger. The Hills star looks absolutely stunning as she dines alfresco at the beach.

“To look this good in a bikini,” Patridge says in a voiceover, “I’ve got to give up, like, everything. But there’s no way I’m giving up that Teriyaki burger. I’m totally obsessed. I have to be a little bad.”

The highlight of the commercial (or low light, depending on where you stand) is the opening shot that looks straight up at the actress’ crotch as she rolls over on her beach blanket. It’s about as suggestive as one can get on television without getting fine by the FCC.

Suffice to say, this commercial is nothing more than shameless masturbatorial material. Whenever it airs, every heterosexual’s mouth falls to the floor in covetousness as they quickly slip into a “hotness” induced coma.

This spot is just another in a long line of provocative ads by Carl Jr.’s. The #4 fast-food burger chain in America has aired similar type of commercials featuring Paris Hilton, and Padma Lakshmi.

They’ve also garnered controversy with a commercial featuring two high school students rapping about a teacher’s “flat buns.”

It appears that the only way for “C.J.’s” to get more provocative is to actually have a couple copulate on one of their burgers.

In Singapore, that’s almost what a new Burger King ad has done (see below). The ad features an attractive young woman in profile. She’s donning bright red lipstick with mouth agape. Inches away, appearing as if it’s slowly moving towards her mouth, is the “BK Super Seven Incher.” The tagline reads: “It’ll blow your mind away.”

To add to the sleaze factor, the cheese on the sandwich is mysteriously whiter than normal and the blonde woman is given a doll-like appearance.

Obviously, this risqué ad is making the argument that Burger King’s sandwich is as good as oral sex. If that’s the case, then what are the fries?

While the ad is running in Singapore, and only for a limited time, it has raised the ire of some here in America.

Blogger Mark Duffy called for the company to terminate the advertisement. Scott Purvis, president of Gallup & Robinson, a marketing and advertising research firm, said the ad went too far. And Mark Crispin Miller, a professor of media studies at New York University, said Burger King was “really straining to be dirty.”

While sex sells, it’s odd that it’s used to sell fast food. After all, fast food doesn’t necessarily lend itself to making dudes attractive to the ladies. Then again it does make sense if you’re marketing to men. Everyone knows that the best way to win a guy over is with sex or food.

It will be interesting to see what these fast food chains do next in their continuing efforts to sell us hamburgers by peddling sex. All I know is you shouldn’t get as messy watching their ads as you do eating their food.

It’s official ya’ll, the world is going to end any day now. I say this not because the economy is in a state of crisis or because AIG is wasting our bailout, but because of the fact that Audrina Patridge is not going to return for another season of “The Hills.”

And what officially confirmed the Apocalyspse? Audrina already landed another deal with Mark Brunett Productions who has produced such reality shows as “The Apprentice” and “Survivor.” Audrina’s new series “will follow her personal and professional life.”

Excuse me while I puke (something Patridge knows well after every meal)…

Can we stop with all this “Hills” nonsense? Reality TV is a joke and it’s even sadder when hired actors try to act like they are just a normal Joe living the glamor of Hollywood.

Let’s face it, the only way Audrina Patridge gets work and will continue to get work is because she is hot and not because people actually care about her personal and professional life. Who did Audrina have to sleep with to land this gig?

My tax dollars at waste. Thank you America!