Things People Hate » Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris for…President?

Wordslinger — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 19:18:59 +0000

Looks like Texans may soon have a leader to be proud of, a man of integrity and mad karate skills and a beard to make even Joaquin Phoenix jealous. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, it seems that if Texas decides to secede from the Union, which resident douche bag Rick Perry says is a distinct possibility, Chuck Norris wants to make sure he’s first in line for the Presidency.

“I may run for president of Texas,” Norris wrote in a column posted at WorldNetDaily. “That need may be a reality sooner than we think. If not me, someone someday may again be running for president of the Lone Star state, if the state of the union continues to turn into the enemy of the state.”

Just a few notes:

1. If Texas ever secedes from the Union, I’m moving to California so fast Chuck Norris wouldn’t even be able to catch me with a roundhouse kick.

2. If Chuck Norris is president, can he still technically beat up the fake TV bad guys? Cause that’s pretty much all he’s good at.

3. I hate to say it, but his non-television Fight Record is pretty freakin’ shoddy. When “defeated” is your middle name, you might want to aim for goals that are a little less lofty.

4. The man does infomercials. I can just hear it now: “Yes, my fellow Texans, this authentic severed Obama head replica can be yours for the low low price of just $19.99 (plus s&h, and your soul, of course).

Yippee ka yay.

TWPH: Chuck Norris

Funny Gossip — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 07:35:01 +0000

White people hate Chuck Norris. No, not the real Chuck Norris. Not the Chuck Norris who swings from vines even when there are no trees. Not the Chuck Norris who has counted to infinity twice. And certainly not the Chuck Norris who introduced the world to the greatest movies of all time—Delta Force and Delta Force II. No, white people hate the other people in the world who call themselves “Chuck Norris”, thereby sullying the sanctity of Chuck, consecrated as it is in the blood of countless men, women, and children. A quick Google search of “Chuck Norris Impersonator” turns up nearly 23,000 results of people, men mostly, who have the gall to try and make a living by pretending to be Mr. Norris. Some of them are more successful than others in terms of their appearance, but the closer they are to resembling his Norrisness, the more blasphemous are their actions and the more inflamed is the rage of white people who revere the star of such cinematic masterpieces as the Missing in Action trilogy, Good Guys Wear Black, and Sidekicks. Even as we struggle with the heathen Congress to dedicate a week in Chuck-tastic’s honor, white people are constantly reminded of the sacrilege that plagues our country by the 23,000 infidels who continue to flaunt American freedoms as an excuse to insult he who must not be angered. And for that reason, white people hate Chuck Norris.