Things People Hate » George Carlin

George Carlin’s Top Quotes

Celebrity Hater — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 16:30:54 +0000

When cheese gets it’s picture taken, what does it say?
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?
When someone is impatient and says, “I haven’t got all day,” I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer’s disease where they slowly began to recover other people’s lost memories.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.
“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?
I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
Religion convinced the world that there’s an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there’s 10 things he doesn’t want you to do or else you’ll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! …And he needs money! He’s all powerful, but he can’t handle money!
This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight’s last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.

TWPH.com Tribute: White People Hate George Carlin.

Funny Gossip — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 18:50:37 +0000

That cocksucker started a comedy revolution when he gave his “Filthy Words” routine back in the 70s. Of course, Lenny Bruce and other raw comedians were already doing in-your-face comedy, but Carlin, that motherfucker, talked so much shit that he had to take his fucking act all the way to the Supreme Court. Half the justices on the Court at the time are tits up, now, but they decided that you can’t say cunt on television when children might be watching, as if the Justices were afraid a five-year-old would piss his pants if he heard Howdy Doody talk about some motherfucker he met at the airport. Fucking white people were split about whether they wanted to fuck George Carlin or watch him fucking die, but there’s no doubt he made an serious fucking impact on American fucking society. He pissed all over the shit that really fucks with people: education, religion, economics, relationships, drugs, partriotism, and every other cocksucking thing you can think of. Now, some of us appreciated that cunt’s point of view. Some of us never would have known what a cunt or tits were if it weren’t for the pioneering spirit of that motherfucker. But in the end, the fuck died on us. He was supposed to usher in a new era of fucking pants-pissing comedy that would lead us well into the 22nd Century. But he went fucking tits up. Well white people fucking hate that fuck, and we hope he pisses his pants in heaven when he’s standing at the pearly gates trying to explain why he was such a cunt on Earth–which would be a cruel motherfucking joke that he would really appreciate. Actually, this white guy hopes he shits his pants, too. White people hate this guy for dying, but he was shit-piss-fuck-cunt-cocksucker- motherfucker-tits funny.

*TWPH.com writes this post with utmost respect for the late great George Carlin. We hope is down there reading this and appreciates our use of what he has taught us.

White People Hate when George Carlin died.

Gossip Whore — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 17:25:17 +0000

Very rarely does someone totally get it. George Carlin was a genius at analyzing the human psyche and pointing out the flaws in all of us and he did so in a poignant and always humorous manner. You have to be pretty good at what you do when you are embraced for using shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits, even if it gets you put in the slammer. Today is a sad day as we all lost a true comedic hero.

Check out some of these clips of the great George Carlin’s stand up.

Things People Hate » George Carlin

George Carlin’s Top Quotes

TWPH.com Tribute: White People Hate George Carlin.

White People Hate when George Carlin died.

George Carlin on Death

George Carlin on White People