Even though her jugs are loaded with silicon and whatever else they put in massive implants these days, Heidi wanted to make it clear that she does in fact support breast cancer. We know, her manufactured boobies will never get it but at least she takes an interest in helping others.

Highly ironic, yes, but Heidi’s recent stroll at the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer reminded us of why we love big, bouncy and plastic-y boobs in the first place.

They’re awesome.

In other news, Heidi’s ex-husband husband was busted in Costa Rica for allegedly transporting illegal, or as he calls it “hunting” weapons across international borders.

We’re trying to focus on the positives here…

In other words, Montag wanted her baby sister to pay her an appearance fee.

Heidi’s sister, Holly, held her birthday soirée at Empire Hollywood in Los Angeles last Saturday night. Apparently Holly didn’t fork over the dough because Heidi and her husband, the parasite Spencer Pratt, were nowhere to be found.

There’s no way that any sane person could hold Heidi Montag in lower regards, especially after her “live” musical performance at the 2009 Miss Universe pageant. Meaning, deriding Heidi Montag for being an avaricious a-hole is redundant. Unless she starts raping, murdering and pillaging small coastal villages we couldn’t possibly detest Montag anymore than we already do.

Therefore there’s no reason to lambast Heidi Montag for this truly selfish and insensitive act.

However, the bleach-blonde bloodsucker did give us a great way to get out of those stressful family obligations. With the holidays approaching and a slew of family gatherings on the horizon, we now have a surefire way to get out of those dreadful commitments, charge an appearance fee.

And if your family likes you as much as my family likes me, they won’t cough up a dime to see your ugly mug.

“Aunt Martha, I would love to come over for Thanksgiving but I don’t leave the house unless me’s get paid.”

“Sorry mom, but if you want me to stop by for turkey I’ll need some stuffing.”

“Sis, it sounds great and I’m sure the two-hour long slideshow about your month-old baby will be fascinating but in order for me to attend I’ll need an appearance fee. I don’t accept checks but I do take credit and PayPal.”

Going back to Heidi and the tactless attendance fee, we think there’s more to this story than what’s actually being reported. We believe the Montags held a private party for Holly in which Heidi attended and gifts were exchanged, blah blah blah.

The bash at Empire Hollywood was more of a media event that was probably taped for some dopey reality show.

Heidi knew this, and wanting to protect her “brand,” told her little sister that if cameras were going to be rolling she would need to be bank rolled. It sounds insensitive, but hey, that’s business.

Don’t worry though. No matter how this situation went down, we’re all still better than the Montags.

What we don’t give a flying flip about is what you think about politics. You’re a celebrity. That means you’re pretty to look at, you have at least a mediocre voice, you’re rich and/or you’ve been involved in at least one good sex scandal. What it doesn’t mean is that you’re smart or that we give a damn about hearing you say anything that wasn’t directed by Scorsese or delivered by a spokesperson while you were in rehab for the latest addiction.

You are not a political pundit, nor does your stint on a military sitcom qualify you as some sort of expert on foreign policy. In fact, it doesn’t even qualify you to play hide-the-cigar with Clinton in the oval oriface, so shut it!