Hamilton is a fat 23-year old, a chubby 5′ 10″, and a disgustingly obese size 8. Basically Flippa is a pig in lipstick and heels.

“They fired me because they said I was overweight. They said I couldn’t fit in their clothes anymore, because I was too large.”

Ralph Lauren has denied Hamilton’s charge but when they did they puffed up their cheeks to mock Hamilton’s revolting plumpness.

The advertising campaign in question ran only in Japan. R.L. claims the picture was released by mistake and was not altered to cover up Hamilton’s extreme corpulence.

“It makes me sad. It makes me think that Ralph Lauren wants to have this kind of image and it’s not healthy, it’s not right,” mumbled Hamilton as her fat cheeks impeded her ability to speak clearly. “And it’s not a good example. When you see this picture young women will look at this and think it’s normal, and it’s not.”

I’m sick and tired of dancing around this issue and I’m just going to come out and say it. I’m going to say what every heterosexual man thinks but is too afraid of the P.C. cops to say: men want super skinny chicks and once they get one they want her to go on a crash diet and get super-skinner.

Why? Is it because sickening skinny chicks turn us on? No—and besides all men when in the throes of passions fantasize about either Jessica Alba, Beyonce, Megan Fox or David Krumholtz anyway.

Men desire sticks figures because it’s cheaper to take them out to dinner. Also, being a walking skeleton means they are too weak and feeble to use the remote much less pry it from our hands.

So ladies, if you want to keep or get a man follow Ralph Lauren’s lead. Men are repulsed by well-portioned, healthy women who don’t randomly faint from hunger. Men want a super skinny emaciated chick hanging on their arm… literally.

I know this to be true because my friends and I talk about this all the time as we sit on my couch playing video games and eating Doritos for days on end.

For white people the answer is “YES!”

White people fork over millions of dollars to an industry in the business that is constantly extorts the sun.

I’m talking about tanning booths.

White people love these things especially in the winter. The thought of getting second degree burn and skin cancer is highly addicting.

And when the summer comes…

White people are all over the beaches, some of them blinding us with their pure white guts.

There are a few different categories of white people on the beach:

The True White Dude: This dude likely works in a cubicle all day and sports glasses to meet his whiteness. The rest of his or her culture mocks this person not for his lack of hygiene but for his lack of tan. AVOID AT ALL COSTS!

Farmer Boy: Farmer Boy, or his sister, Farmer Girl – earn their nickname due to the farmer’s tan they sport. These people get a lot of sun but often forget to remove their shirt from time to time. White people really look down on this individual.

Really Tan Dude: This individual is at the beach 24/7. Life guards fit into this category. These people are usually buff or really skinny because they spend the rest of the day at the gym. They spend hours rubbing SPF over their finally sculpted bods.

Is That Chick Orange?: Superficial girls love looking orange apparently. That is exactly what happens when you spend a little too much time with fake tan spray. These people (usually all girls), are slowly creating their own race.

A “security guard” shot out the rear window of a photographer’s Suzuki SUV as it raced away from Gisele’s home in Costa Rico.  Although, since it’s a Suzuki there is a chance the back window just broke on its own.

According to the photographer’s employer, the photo agency INF, Yuri Cortez and Rolando Aviles had permission from Gisele’s neighbor to hide in their bushes and take pictures of the ceremony.  For one of her neighbors to work with the paparazzi, tells me Gisele is not fun to live next too.

Despite being where they were supposed to be, the shutterbugs somehow caught the attention of the “security guards.” They were immediately apprehended and escorted into Gisele’s house.

Once inside the photographers were accosted by members of the wedding party and five men dressed in black.  Brady’s best man, which was probably not Matt Cassel, then berated Cortez and Aviles with a shower of profanities.  Being members of the paparazzi, they’ve certainly heard worse.

Slyly, the intrepid photographers lied to couple’s lackeys telling them they took nary a picture.  With Brady’s posse distracted trying to figure out what is meant by the word “nary,” Cortez and Aviles made a break for it.

They hopped in their SUV and sped away.  That’s when one of the “security guards” opened fired.

The entire incident makes you roll your eyes in disgust. The events play like a scene from a bad movie, where Brady is the crime boss and Gisele is dangerous femme fatale. The ego of these people to have men in black packing guns and strong arming the paparazzi. Maybe if they toned down their self-importance these type of things wouldn't happen.

“Thank God I’m all right. At that moment, I thought I was going to die,” Aviles told reporters. “The bullet went between us, missing our heads.  If the bullet been a little more to the left or right, it would have killed one of us.”

While it’s hard to have any sympathy for the paparazzi, which are paid parasites, they don’t deserve to die for taking a few photos of a wedding.  While it’s hard to root for Tom and Gisele, the last thing they need is a dead photographer at their wedding.

But you know when Gisele learned the paparazzi were at her wedding she pumped her first and said, “yes!”  Celebrities need the paparazzi a lot more than the paparazzi need celebrities.

You can always tell if the news agency reporting this story is from America or another part of the world by whether or not they include Brady’s name. If it’s included it’s an America publication. If it’s just Gisele’s name it’s from a foreign source.

What about Tom and Gisele’s privacy?  If they wanted to be left alone than Tom should stop throwing touchdown passes for millions of football fans and Gisele should stop being a walking hanger for the fashion industry.

Tom and Gisele earned the paparazzi.  It’s part of the package that comes with being famous.  Don’t accept millions of dollars for playing sports and modeling and then expect people to leave you alone.

Speaking of leaving Tom and Gisele alone, who actually cares about their wedding?

Recently, White put out a YouTube tirade that has the MMA industry buzzing. White took offense to an article written about the UFC’s credentialing process by MMA journalist Loretta Hunt (Sherdog.com). There is not much to explain that watching the video clip below doesn’t do so I will let the video speak (watch starting at 4:30). I will comment though that the fact that a President of a company can feel justified that he has the right or power to act so unprofessionally is amusing to us. Imagine if Bill Gates went off on one of the TechCrunch.com writers like this because they criticized his latest version of Windows. Comical.

Check out the commentary on Sherdog.com (LINK).

UFC pulls the video from its website (LINK).

I recently had the pleasure of sitting down with Bernard Kirk, an active trainer for the Wii Olympics which will take place later this summer. Together we discussed childhood obesity, music, girls, and of course…the Nintendo Wii.

ReynsGems: Thanks for stopping by today, Bernard. I wanted to talk to you more about this Nintendo Wii craze…

Bernard: What about it?

ReynsGems: What’s with all these attempts by Nintendo to produce video games that actively allow children to engage in physical activity while playing a video game? Doesn’t that send a mixed message?

Bernard: Quite the contrary, video games are the only way we can reach kids today.

ReynsGems: Whatever happened to getting outside and shooting hoops or something?

Bernard: We do have NBA 2K8.

ReynsGems: Not exactly what I was getting at. I mean shouldn’t video games and physical fitness remain two separate things. I thought the whole purpose of video games was to sit down, eat Cheetos, and relax?

Bernard: Not anymore. It won’t be long before Playstation creates a game that actually makes you feel physical pain after being shot by an alien.

ReynsGems: Not sure I’ll buy that one. Quick question and answer…are video games contributing to childhood obesity and ultimately the end of the world?

Bernard: No on the first part, possibly yes on the second.

ReynsGems: I do notice a lot of chubby boys and girls now of days. Any chance Nintendo might introduce a feature that would allow you to directly order food for delivery while still playing Guitar Hero III?

Bernard: That would be sweet!

ReynsGems: Tell me about this Wii Olympics?

Bernard: Well it essentially is a competition between athletes engaging through intense physical exertion.

ReynsGems: By physical exertion you mean quickly moving your fingers on a controller?

Bernard: Something like that.

—

Later in the interview, Bernard invited me over to his home to play Fight Night on the Nintendo Wii.

I was surprised how tired I was after a couple of rounds.

—

ReynsGems: You are right, the Wii is addicting.

Bernard: Told you.

ReynsGems: For an eight year old, do you get a lot of chicks playing the Wii.

Bernard: It depends.

ReynsGems: Bernard, I think that fight was unfair. You’re obviously in a much bigger weight class then I am.

Bernard: That’s true.

ReynsGems: Thanks Bernard for a great day. I’m going to hit up Best Buy on the way home, max out my already maxed out credit card, and purchase a Nintendo Wii.

Bernard: Sure.

If you could be cool, but could only pick a white guy (by some sadistic Genie stipulation), then you would more than likely go with Jeremy Piven. Piven is to white people what Crocodile Dundee is to Australia.

He’s the one ounce of respect we got so naturally we want to hold him close like a little orphan.

So when I see photos of a particular Piven going to a Grammy Party (of Kayne West nonetheless) and hanging out smoking dope with Snoop Dogg I get panicked.

Please tell me we aren’t going to lose Piven in the same way we lost Eminem on that sad day years ago. Please tell me Piven isn’t crossing over. We need him dearly!

Smoking dope with HIP hipsters like Snoop is the first sign of trouble. Just ask Joaquin…

Or maybe he’s just smoking a cigar in that photo. Yeah that’s it, Snoop and him were celebrating the birth of some child. That makes sense. Whew! I almost lost it back there.

Bra Size Translation Scale
(A} Almost Boobs…

{B} Barely there…

{C} Can’t Complain!..

{D} Dang!…

{DD} Double dang!…

{E} Enormous!…

{F} Fake…

{G} Get a Reduction…

{H} Help me, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!…

Anyways, we wanted to take a moment to make a shameless plug for another site we ran across that is unrelated to male lifestyle humor.  We figure those who hate this blog are probably females with a prim and proper attitude.  So if you do not like us and want something a bit more useful to read that isn’t quite so crass, check out that Women’s Online Magazine site one of our co-worker’s friends founded called MadameDaily.com.  Its all about beauty tips, fashion, cooking and a bunch of other shit we would never write about here.  Enjoy!

For the rest of you low life male sloths, read our stuff, tell your friends and link us!