TWPH: Chuck Norris

White people hate Chuck Norris. No, not the real Chuck Norris. Not the Chuck Norris who swings from vines even when there are no trees. Not the Chuck Norris who has counted to infinity twice. And certainly not the Chuck Norris who introduced the world to the greatest movies of all time—Delta Force and Delta Force II. No, white people hate the other people in the world who call themselves “Chuck Norris”, thereby sullying the sanctity of Chuck, consecrated as it is in the blood of countless men, women, and children. A quick Google search of “Chuck Norris Impersonator” turns up nearly 23,000 results of people, men mostly, who have the gall to try and make a living by pretending to be Mr. Norris. Some of them are more successful than others in terms of their appearance, but the closer they are to resembling his Norrisness, the more blasphemous are their actions and the more inflamed is the rage of white people who revere the star of such cinematic masterpieces as the Missing in Action trilogy, Good Guys Wear Black, and Sidekicks. Even as we struggle with the heathen Congress to dedicate a week in Chuck-tastic’s honor, white people are constantly reminded of the sacrilege that plagues our country by the 23,000 infidels who continue to flaunt American freedoms as an excuse to insult he who must not be angered. And for that reason, white people hate Chuck Norris.