Ellen DeGeneres Joins American Idol

If President Obama’s snippy speech to a joint session of congress didn’t get you down, this next news item will certainly have you curled up in the fetal position sucking your thumb.

Fox announced that Ellen DeGeneres will be the fourth judge on American Idol filling the hole created by Paula Abdul’s departure.

DeGeneres will be joining current judges Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson and Kara DioGuardi for the show’s ninth season.

Even worse, the 51-year old DeGeneres will continue to host her daytime talk show. She’ll have “a day job and a night job.”

“The times we’re living in,” she quipped, “we’re all doing that.”

Yeah, my jobs at 7-11 and Applebee’s are exactly like hosting your own talk show and judging contestants on American Idol.

Now, I know what you’re saying, “It’s American Idol. Who Cares?” But some of us enjoy watching 12 “randomly” selected 20-somethings “compete” for the chance to release an album that will bomb quicker than Will Ferrel’s Land of The Lost.

American Idol is comfort television.

We especially enjoyed the show when one of the judges was a crazy, no-talent hack addicted to prescription drugs and wine coolers. But DeGeneres is cogent, lucid, and sober. What fun is that?

Also, she almost had a psychotic break when she was forced to return her terrier to the puppy mill back in aught-seven. What kind of soul-crushing waterworks is she going to unleash when Seacrest annouces that the token nerdy kid has to exstingish his torch at tribal council and leave the Big Brother house?

During the audition phase, America’s number one television program employed a number of guest judges: Victoria Beckham, Mary J. Blige, Joe Jonas, Neil Patrick Harris, Katy Perry and Shania Twain.

All of whom are 10-times more interesting than DeGeneres who is an obnoxious, irritating bore. And wouldn’t you rather look at Mary or Shania for an entire season than Ellen? Hell, I’d rather stare at N.P.H. than Ellen.

“Hopefully, I’m the people’s point of view because I’m just like you. [No you’re not]. I sit at home and I watch it, and I don’t have that technical … I’m not looking at it in a critical way from the producer’s mind. I’m looking at it as a person who is going to buy the music and is going to relate to that person.”

Hopefully she won’t torture us with her insipid dancing.