Jessica Alba’s Vandalism Spree

America has a new vandal and the police are hot to track her down, put her in cuffs and strip search her. Then again so is everyone else.

This vandal is none other than Jessica Alba.

Now before you start thinking about her in a torrid prison film, you have to hear what happened. Photos of her defacing property in Oklahoma City wound up on the net. Police somehow saw said photographs of Alba’s rampage (probably while looking for other types of Alba pictures) and quickly began an investigation.

Did this investigation involve the Oklahoma City CSI? Oklahoma City CSI: New York? NCIS? SVU? A wacky fake psychic, a mentalist, or even an anal retentive detective? No, the investigation involved calling her publicist.

The call wasn’t returned but Alba, who’s in Oklahoma City shooting a movie (why else would anyone be in Oklahoma City), did respond with a statement.

“I got involved in something I should have had no part of. I realize that I should have used better judgment, and I regret not thinking things through before I made a spontaneous and ill-advised decision to let myself get involved with the people behind this campaign. I sincerely apologize to the citizens of Oklahoma City… for my involvement in this incident.”

Alba was not arrested or charged with any crime.

First of all, if cops had pictures of you or me vandalizing Oklahoma City, we would have been arrested immediately. But sweet, lovable Alba is a Hollywood star so the cops just phone her people. Obviously, they felt using Twitter was little too aggressive.

Second of all, and this is where things really get interesting, Alba was vandalizing Oklahoma City by hanging poster aimed to raise awareness about the decline of great white sharks.

Now, I’m no geography expert but isn’t Oklahoma about 2000 miles from an ocean? Wouldn’t this type of vandalism play better in a coastal community like San Diego, Miami or Omaha?

I would hazard to guess that the average citizen of Oklahoma City sees maybe one or two sharks a year. And I bet when they do see a shark the last thing on their mind is killing it.

Was she hoping Oklahoma City residents would see the posters and say, “you know what, I need to stop the decline of great white sharks. My harpoon is going up on Ebay right now!”

And why vandalize Oklahoma City or any city for that matter. All Alba has to do is say to the people causing the extinction, “if you stop killing sharks I’ll stop making Fantastic Four movies.” Problem solved.

On the website where the pictures of Alba’s deadly spree were posted (they’ve since been removed), is the following statement:

“International pressure is the only way to do it and that starts in Oklahoma, the heartland of America.”

“International pressure starts in Oklahoma?” Most people in Oklahoma don’t even know what international pressure is much less how to start it. In one sentence they go from “International pressure” to “heartland of America.” Apparently foreign countries have been wasting their time by calling the White House, they just need to get a hold of Oklahoma City–the hub of international pressure.

This is very weird, even for a Hollywood. It’s an incident that surely has another layer to it. Hopefully we’ll learn the rest of story very soon.