Sarah Palin

White people aren’t real happy about Sarah Palin. For example, Ed Koch, former mayor of New York City and certified white person said the other day, “This chick is a freaking nutjob.” (I’m paraphrasing). And Koch may very well be correct. Amongst all the gossip about Palin, from her alleged affair with her husband’s business partner to the alien probing that lead to Bristol Palin’s “unfortunate situation” to rumors that Baby Palin is actually being raised by Alaskan sled dogs while mom is on the campaign trail, Vpilf candidate Palin has remained on message: yay life, boo other stuff. But even that message is a little confusing when she’s hanging out of a helicopter with a .30 caliber machine gun, mowing down seal babies and slapping her husband’s business partner on the knee, you know? Now I don’t want to get into a argument about whether Palin is qualified (probably not), or if she’s too hot to be Vice President (she might be—compare her other powerful women: Margaret “Hot Lips” Thatcher, Madeline “Who’s Your Mama” Albright, and Condi “Don’t Even Get Me Started on the Gap Between Her Teeth” Rice–I guarantee a Sarah Palin sex tape would pull in more buyers than a Condi weekend romp with Newt Gingrich), or even if she’s actually mentally insane (like a female Ted Nugent, only without the bad teeth). What matters is that she’s just too exciting for white people. White people like calm, they like predictable. How else do you explain the last 43 presidents, all of whom ran on the message of “stability”? Sarah Palin brings verve and excitement to the presidential race, but she also brings illegitimate grandchildren, the uncommon skills necessary to field dress a bull moose, and the uncertainty people are apt to feel about having a woman in a power position (who are we kidding—we’re still a country of chickenshits when it comes to anyone but Man Honkey hold his hairy man-finger over the big, red button). Now, I’m not saying she won’t win—she is, after all, not black, which is her only redeeming quality in the eyes of some proud Americans. But even if she does end up in the Oval Office (assuming the “Tales from the Crypt” presidential candidate kicks in the next few months), she’ll be facing a shit storm of criticism and demeaning comments (I bet no one ever called Eisenhower a “bitch”). And it won’t matter what she does in office—even if she does get elected over a black Obama, that won’t change the fact that white people hate Sarah Palin.

Hilarious Take on Presidential Politics