White People Hate David Archuleta.

OK, I’ll probably get crucified for this, and will certainly go to hell for it, but white people hate that freaking David Archuleta. Put aside for one second that he hails from that toilet-bowl of a state, Utah (white people hate Utah and all 80 million of the incestuous residents culting away there…but that is a post for another day), I mean that whole “oh, thank you so much, thank you, thank you” high pitched squeal is so irritating that it makes me want to punch him in the kidney every time he sings some pathetic love song, with his eyes closed and his fluttering lips and his girlish features. How the hell did he last so long and almost win the greatest show in the holy universe? Who the hell was voting for him? Stand up and show your face I say damn you! Ok, back to my “oh how I hate that 17 year old fruitcake” rant, the worst part about David Archuleta is that he just emits of those too good to be true vibes. I mean, in an interview he says his favorite quote is, “You’ll never be lonely if you learn to befriend yourself.” Are you kidding me with that? Listen you prepubescent saddle rider, you are way to young to make such a bold statement. Wait until your first wife alleges you are gay and leaves you after years of sexless marriage, taking the dog and your favorite pokemon backpack, then we’ll see if you are still signing that “you’ll never be lonely if you learn to befriend yourself” tune. And what’s up with his psycho of a father he has, getting kicked off of the set of not just American Idol, but Star Search as well? Are you kidding me? Your son is destined for a life of closet dinners with Clay Akin and all you are worried about is that he wins some ultra-gayifying competition? Where are your priorities? David Archuleta, heed my advise, cut out the signing, rub some dirt on your face and stop trying to dress like a 14-year old Ryan Seacrest. Thank god for David Cook.