White people hate John Mayer.

Let’s forget for a second that he looks like he’s sitting on the business end of a ball peen hammer when he sings. And let’s briefly look past the fact that his singing is vaguely reminiscent of a 14-year-old boy achieving release while masturbating to his mom’s Sears catalog. How this guy has managed over the past several years to nail Jessica Simpson, Cameron Diaz, and Jennifer Aniston, among others, is a complete mystery to me. White people could find some comfort in the fact that he’s a pop star and chicks dig that, but the fact that he’s been bed hopping like Paris Hilton at a slumber party is just insulting. These women are rich, beautiful, and powerful—what about the pop chart’s version of the Dard’s taint is attractive to these ladies? I, for one, am lost and confused, along with all the other white people who pick up every week’s issue of Us Weekly and weep. Damn, white people hate John Mayer.