Get outta here!

Okay, so the news is old, like really old yet it was mistakingly republished this week by Perez Hilton as “breaking news”. Which brought us back to the good times, like when ICP was actually a popular relevant rap group that made music.

The controversy stems from a song Joseph Bruce and Joseph Utsler, more well known by their stage names Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope, released called ”Thy Unveiling” on their 2002 record that Hilton falsely reported as brand new.

Naturally we would never confuse Perez as an ICP fan so despite the poor reporting, he did get one thing right – Insane Clown Posse is as bad as a rap group then as they are now.

A sample of their lyrics from “Thy Unveiling”…

All secrets will now be told/
No more hidden messages/
…Truth is we follow GOD!!!/
We’ve always been behind him/
The carnival is GOD/
And may all juggalos find him/
We’re not sorry if we tricked you/

Furthermore, Jon Ronson ignited the conversation once again with an article earlier this week in The Guardian. Ronson’s hilarious personal time with the Juggalos while working on this piece is joker material.

A quick recap:

- In response to a scientist dissecting the lyrics to “Miracles,” Violent J defensively responds, “F**k you, man. Shut the f**k up”

- Violent J is quoted as saying that a giraffe is a “f**king miracle” and have been around for “hundreds of years”. To which his band mate, Shaggy rebuttals, “thousands”.

- According to ICP logic, you have the right to “hate” on your girlfriend’s mother when she’s home but you too want to have sexual relations with her daughter. Their response is to also “f**k” the mom. This, of course, is used as an analogy for science.

So, why, if Insane Clown Posse are really two Christian dudes with makeup and clown faces do they stand behind offensive lyrics?

“You have to speak their language,” Violent J responds in The Guardian interview. ”You have to interest them, gain their trust, talk to them and show you’re one of them. You’re a person from the street and you speak of your experiences. Then at the end you can tell them: God has helped me.”

God help us all.

Friday Night Lights

That is, at least, if you inquire to Esquire.

The 30 year-old actress is best known for portraying Lyla Garrity from 2006 to 2009 on the popular television version of Friday Night Lights. However, she now guest stars in the NBC primetime series Parenthood.

Career aside, Kelly has also attracted quite the celebrity list, including known relationships with Alex Galvin, Dylan Brazil, Chris Evans, Donald Faison and John Mayer. Unfortunately, fellas, she is also currently dating and reportedly “happy” with New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter.

We know, that Jeter bastard gets everything!

Recently, for example, she ventured out into the rain to handle some much needed shopping. Hilton, who was spotted in West Hollywood, browsed around Book Soup and invested in some handy reading material. Hilton reportedly bought the book 29 Gifts: How a Month of Giving Can Change Your Life.

She tweeted about the experience later: Just bought a lot of great books at Bool Soup. I love reading. You can learn so much from a well written book.

Who knew Paris was soooo smart. Like, really.

Hilton, also decided to take a page out of her new book by helping spread the word about her sister’s jewelry making endeavors: RT – Hey everyone, check out my sister’s hot new jewelry. Nicky Hilton jewelry Available Now!

Cue single tear.

…Because life is only one RT away from helping another!

Bristol Palin has just been spotted in a bar…woofing down some nachos and doing other devious things of sort.

It’s the newest, tastiest twist in the underage bar investigation surrounding Dancing with the Stars’ Bristol Palin and a plate full of cheesy, delicious nachos.

…But stuffing your face is not the crime here.

The crime, you ask, is that Alaska officials have reportedly launched an investigation because state law would only allow the 19-year-old to be inside Rumrunner Bar and Grill if it’s been designated as an actual ”restaurant”.

Sources close to Bristol are adamant that the daughter of former Alaskan governor Sarah Palin will be cleared of all charges and once again allowed to eat nachos.

The Rays are taking an unprecedented and very unorthodox move by offering 20,000 free tickets to their ball game tonight. The decision comes as a bit of surprise given that A) no one is cheaper than an owner of a professional franchise and B) the Rays are actually good, like one win away from playoff good.

Seriously, if anybody should be giving away free tickets it should be the Clippers followed by the Raiders. What makes the situation in Tampa Bay extremely odd is that the Rays are winning and making a legitimate claim for the postseason yet failed to bring more than 12,000 people into seats last night at what players like Evan Longoria and David Price describe as ”embarrassing”.

The Rays are currently 93-63, good enough for first place in a division that includes such historic franchises as the New York Yankees and Boston Redsox, yet have struggled to demonstrate that Major League Baseball in St. Petersburg, Florida will last. The team, for example, has been making an effort to get a new, publicly financed ballpark but as last night proved, are not necessarily getting any love back.

But free tickets!!!

Team president Matt Silverman explained the decision:

“‘It was something we had discussed, but I don’t think we would have (done this without their comments), and it’s not about the two players, it’s about the sentiment expressed by the team throughout the year, the energy that they get from the fans when this place is full. Two years ago when we clinched against Minnesota the players celebrated with the fans, it was a packed house, and it’s that type of celebration of this season that we’re looking for. You see it in the record – the players really respond to the energy and the noise and the excitement when the fans are in this place, and we’re looking to do that tomorrow with these free tickets.”

Business as usual? No, this is actually a refreshing change from the stereotypical.

Well, not really.

We do have to admit, however, that the “Get off your knees ref, you’re blowing the game” line is fairly clever if it was not for a drunk blurting it out – thinking he is witty at every professional sporting event.

Still, refs are prone to make some mistakes…major mistakes; and when it comes down to last Sunday’s game between the Cowboys and Texans, it’s all about effectively relaying back to the crowd what you saw on the field.

Referee Carl Cheffers struggled mightily to announce a series of calls on one kickoff, confusing the teams, numbers of those guilty and even at one point pausing to to regroup with his comrades.

To be clear, there were three fouls on the play and they did offset each other. Unnecessary roughness calls against Dallas linebacker Leon Williams and Houston linebacker Kevin Bentley, as well as holding on Dallas long-snapper L.P. LaDouceur.

No additional yards were awarded to the commentators, who appeared to have a riot, yet are the biggest hypocrites in the world considering they’re full of clichés and lines from the TelePrompTers.

You see, we once really loved Lindsay Lohan to death. She was that cute, innocent, charming freckled girl who made everyone smile and feel better about their lives. I think she even discovered the cure to cancer once. Then, she became this vicious, self-loathing, crack snorting, booze whoring young woman and the general public hated her guts.

It’s a love or death relationship.

People these days act like the mistakes Lindsay Lohan hurt them in some way. Like a sharp piercing pain. It seems like they cannot get enough of this drug that is Lohan. So the coverage continues and continues and continues.

Like the 48 hours (or so) we just witnessed:

Friday

It is reported, via her Twitter page, that Lindsay Lohan has failed a drug test and consequently violated her probation. Nothing like direct-from-the-source coverage. Sources (not Lohan this time) also report that Lohan was drinking and laughing when she made the tweets. Furthermore, two friends apparently “coached” her on the correct words to use.

-10 points scored to Lindsay Lohan for violating her probation, +11 points for announcing it via Twitter. You’re cool, dude.

Later Friday

Public backlash ensues. Anger erupts. Some serious “hater-aide” is dealt for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

-12 points scored to Lindsay Lohan for being so stupid. -22 points scored to America for getting so upset over Lindsay Lohan.

Next Friday (no, not the movie)

Lindsay Lohan is sent back to jail and denied bail. Celebrities are notorious for getting away with murder so we predict that she’ll be out in three days. Which stuns us when…

-15 points scored to TPH for being surprised.

…Less than 14 Hours Later

Lohan is released from jail. Seriously? Ten f**king hours!? I’ve done detention sentences in the fourth grade longer than that!

-200 points to the American justice system.

“The Foreseeable Future”

We wait for round two. Lindsay is due back in court October 22nd. Until then, she must wear a monitor bracelet and “avoid places with alcohol.” Which is everywhere, except, what? Utah?

Consequently, I was heavily alarmed when I found particular people take great joy in rating movies, joy that borderlines on obsession.

How do you define Netflix-rating obsession? 

Try over 50,000 movies.

The Atlantic reports that some people like Netflix — in fact, they like it a lot. So much to the point that they would rather waste hours rating films online than watching the actual flicks. According to the data, an “elite rater” is one who eclipses the 50,000 mark. Pathetic “Top 0.01%” and “Top 1%” raters critique a measly 20,000 and 5,000 movies respectively. By contrast, only 60 percent of Netflix users rate any movies at all, and the typical person only shells out 200 starred grades.

For those mathematically unstable, if you were to actually watch the 50,000+ films you rated, at a pace of one movie or TV show per day, it would take 136 years to observe all that footage.

“Elite Raters”, you’re not fooling anyone! Your brass tactics can only trick us for so long. May we recommend a little Original Sin, or anything else that has Angelina Jolie naked with an unrated label. Notice the emphasis on unrated!?

The boys…and girls from the new season of Dancing with the Stars had a chance to show their finesse on the dance floor for the first time but did not quite exactly give it a 110%.

So, for at least one popular DWTS contestant, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, Monday night’s poor performance was linked to one plausible excuse – lack of practice.

We couldn’t agree more. It does take time to nurture such a wonderful talent. So, TPH figured the least we could do is give the new cast members a rousing pep talk:

Obviously, the final score is the only statistic that matters but rest easy guys, you win as a team, you lose as a team. It’s been a tale of two halves and the second half is the only half that really matters. Turnovers will be key…watch those poor handoffs. Take what the defense gives you. It’s going to be a war out there and I really believe in you guys. The season is a marathon, not a sprint. Leave everything on the field! And remember, you do not play these games on paper…

Don’t call it a comeback but Courtney Love emerged from a red carpet premiere last night in NYC with an improved reassembled body and face. We’ve never been one for rocker chics, but dare we say Courtney Love actually looked good for once?

If you like rocker chics that looks like doll-faced Barbie’s that is…