I drink coffee not because it tastes good but because I’m an addict.

That means I need to brew coffee at home and purchase coffee ready to drink from coffee shops.  You know what I mean by coffee shop; most of them are named after a character from Moby Dick.

Since coffee is life and death, buying it is life and death too.  I need to go into a coffee shop, get my “fix” and leave before I start showing signs of withdrawing.  I can’t afford any delays or annoyances.

Surprisingly, I’ve found that despite a rash of inappropriate tattoos and more metal on their face than C-3PO, the average baristas is actually fast and competent.  My negative experiences with coffee shop employees have actually been few and far between.

Frustrating experiences with ignorant coffee drinkers have also been rare.  I understand ordering coffee can be intimidating and involved.  I have no problem if a neophyte needs to ask questions, even obvious ones.

However, most of my negative experiences in coffee shops are the fault of other coffee drinkers—customers who should know better.

Therefore, I have crafted a list of 10 rules that everyone should follow when ordering a beverage at a coffee shop.

1. If you don’t know what you want, get out of line.
2. When the clerk asks you if you want a pastry, say no.  Don’t scan the display looking for something appetizing.  You’re not hungry, because if you were you would have ordered a bake-good in the first place.  Besides you could stand to lay off the treats for a while.
3. If your drink involves more than two adjectives, and it’s not perfect, don’t bring it back.  If you do, people in line will have to wait longer.  Besides, it’s your fault for having such a complicated drink order.
4. Don’t get a blended drink.  They take forever and they’re very noisy.
5. You can’t order more than one drink.  If all the “girls from the office” want you to pick them up a coffee drink, tough.  If they want a drink, they can get up and go to the coffee shop themselves.  Nothing is worse than standing in line behind one customer only to learn she’s ordering eight drinks.  Customers can accurately gage wait time if there are eight people in line, but schedules are thrown in disarray if there’s one person ordering eight drinks.
6. Don’t ask for a cup of water.  You’re ordering coffee you don’t need water too.  Besides who drinks water anymore?
7. Signs are everywhere informing customers where to order drinks and where to pick up drinks.  Find these signs, read them, and follow their instructions.  Please don’t standing at the ordering counter waiting for your drink to be finished.
8. When someone is behind you in line, don’t make small talk with the clerk.
9. Don’t lean on the pick-up counter if your drink isn’t next.  No one likes to pick up their $4 beverage after your disgusting elbows have been smeared all over counter.  Show some courtesy and wait a step or two away from the counter like everyone else.
10. No strollers in line.  While it might be a tad-bit unconstitutional to prohibit customers with strollers from even entering a coffee shop, it’s probably legal and wise to ask that strollers be left outside.  Strollers take up a lot of room and add to the customers’ wait time.  Why?  Generally the person pushing the stroller has their pocketbook wedged into some hard-to-get-to nook or cranny.  It takes them several moments to get their money out and put their change away.

Honorable mentions: using soy milk; “How much do I have left on my card?;”  asking for a receipt; buying gift cards; informing the staff the cream is gone (when there’s a full carafe of cream right next to it); asking for silverware; making coffee puns; and not listening to the barista when he calls your drink out.

The holidays are approaching and that means holiday traditions are approaching too.  We all have our favorites.  For some it’s spending time with family and friends, for others it’s parties and get-togethers.  Some people enjoy the cooking and baking, while others like to decorate while consuming large sums of liquor.

For myself, my favorite tradition this time of year is listening to holiday retail forecast.  I know it’s “beginning to look a lot like Christmas” when I hear the media report on what a “bleak shopping season” it will be.

“Current financial pressures and a lack of confidence in the economy will force shoppers to be very conservative with their holiday spending,” reported Rosalind Wells, Chief Economist for the National Retail Federation.

Sure it will.

Every year they say Christmas shopping will be bad and ever year it’s better than expected, usually better than the year before.

On September 23rd of this year, the NRF forecasted a 2.2 percent rise in retail sales for the 2008 holiday shopping season.  That’s well below the ten-year average of 4.4 percent but a rise nonetheless.  Retailers are still making money.

Of course that was in September.  A lot has changed with our economy since then.

“This year looks so bad, that even normally good signs for retail sales, such as more Americans staying home this Christmas, can’t save the season for retailers,” said Britt Beemer, chief executive officer of America’s Research Group.

His company forecasts a 1 percent drop in retail sales—their first negative prediction in 23 years of Christmas shopping surveys.

The difference in the two aforementioned forests is over three percent.  Can things change that much that fast?

“Since mid-September, rapid, seismic changes in consumer behavior have created the most difficult climate we’ve ever seen,” notes Brad Anderson chief executive of Best Buy.

Now, you should feel sorry for Best Buy.  This economy is really hurting them.  They now expect an annual revenue of somewhere between $43.7 billion to $45.5 billion, that’s down from a previous prediction of about $47 billion.

How will they cope?

I admit I’m not an economist.  I understand that the economy is complex and I could probably find numbers that would support any argument.  It just seems to me, that most of the time when we hear a retailer is doing poorly it’s not because they aren’t making money, it’s because they aren’t making enough money (at least according to them).

We hear despair and woe because none of the parties involved have anything to gain by announcing a robust holiday retail season.  Retailers want you to think business is bad so you’ll go shopping.  The media wants you to hear retail sales are down because they take pleasure in reporting bad economic news.  The media loves’ bad economy stories almost as much as they love missing white women and dog stories.

If there can actually be a bad holiday season for retailers, then this year’s yuletide shopping spree would definitely be it.  According to a poll done by America’s Research Group, 40 percent of consumers plan to spend less this Christmas while 35 percent plan to buy fewer gifts.

“Consumers are nervous about what they are going to spend. They may buy fewer toys,” explains Chris Byrne, a New York-based toy consultant.

So even if we take the lowest estimate mentioned in this article—a one-percent loss— that’s still not bad.  In all honesty, for as much as the media has drilled into our heads what a horrible economy we are currently suffering though, the retail season should be non-existence.  The fact that we are even talking about holiday shopping is a sign things aren’t as bad as they seem.

I may be cynical of retailers and the news media when it comes to economic forecasts, but I’m not cynical of the American consumers when it comes to Christmas shopping.  I doubt the retail shopping season will be lower at all.  Americans love their Christmas and they love to buy presents

The American holiday shopper will find the money to buy gifts their love ones don’t need.  The credit crunch may have caused this year’s bad holiday shopping forecast but credit will probably be crunched again.  This time used to pay for all the presents under the tree.  Just remember, I’m a size large and a 36 regular.

Did anyone see video footage of the President and President-elect meeting at the White House yesterday? I’m sure you all did.  What struck me as noticable, other than how retarded President Bush looks every time he does anything, was the body language of the two men.  President Bush looked so tense and uptight while Obama looked as if he had just gotten laid on the limo ride over to the White House.  Strange how the guy about to leave the most stressful job in the world looked like his ass was squeezed into knots while the guy about to take over the lead of a country that is in the middle of an economic nightmare and two unwinnable wars looked like he was practically dancing with each stride.

My theory?  Man Obama is smooth.  Just what the country needs, a smooth talker and walker who can impose our will on the world yet still make them feel like they are getting a good deal.  Take note soon-to-be-ousted Bush, “my way or the high way” just does not work these days.