Coffee Shop Commandments

I drink coffee not because it tastes good but because I’m an addict.

That means I need to brew coffee at home and purchase coffee ready to drink from coffee shops.  You know what I mean by coffee shop; most of them are named after a character from Moby Dick.

Since coffee is life and death, buying it is life and death too.  I need to go into a coffee shop, get my “fix” and leave before I start showing signs of withdrawing.  I can’t afford any delays or annoyances.

Surprisingly, I’ve found that despite a rash of inappropriate tattoos and more metal on their face than C-3PO, the average baristas is actually fast and competent.  My negative experiences with coffee shop employees have actually been few and far between.

Frustrating experiences with ignorant coffee drinkers have also been rare.  I understand ordering coffee can be intimidating and involved.  I have no problem if a neophyte needs to ask questions, even obvious ones.

However, most of my negative experiences in coffee shops are the fault of other coffee drinkers—customers who should know better.

Therefore, I have crafted a list of 10 rules that everyone should follow when ordering a beverage at a coffee shop.

1. If you don’t know what you want, get out of line.
2. When the clerk asks you if you want a pastry, say no.  Don’t scan the display looking for something appetizing.  You’re not hungry, because if you were you would have ordered a bake-good in the first place.  Besides you could stand to lay off the treats for a while.
3. If your drink involves more than two adjectives, and it’s not perfect, don’t bring it back.  If you do, people in line will have to wait longer.  Besides, it’s your fault for having such a complicated drink order.
4. Don’t get a blended drink.  They take forever and they’re very noisy.
5. You can’t order more than one drink.  If all the “girls from the office” want you to pick them up a coffee drink, tough.  If they want a drink, they can get up and go to the coffee shop themselves.  Nothing is worse than standing in line behind one customer only to learn she’s ordering eight drinks.  Customers can accurately gage wait time if there are eight people in line, but schedules are thrown in disarray if there’s one person ordering eight drinks.
6. Don’t ask for a cup of water.  You’re ordering coffee you don’t need water too.  Besides who drinks water anymore?
7. Signs are everywhere informing customers where to order drinks and where to pick up drinks.  Find these signs, read them, and follow their instructions.  Please don’t standing at the ordering counter waiting for your drink to be finished.
8. When someone is behind you in line, don’t make small talk with the clerk.
9. Don’t lean on the pick-up counter if your drink isn’t next.  No one likes to pick up their $4 beverage after your disgusting elbows have been smeared all over counter.  Show some courtesy and wait a step or two away from the counter like everyone else.
10. No strollers in line.  While it might be a tad-bit unconstitutional to prohibit customers with strollers from even entering a coffee shop, it’s probably legal and wise to ask that strollers be left outside.  Strollers take up a lot of room and add to the customers’ wait time.  Why?  Generally the person pushing the stroller has their pocketbook wedged into some hard-to-get-to nook or cranny.  It takes them several moments to get their money out and put their change away.

Honorable mentions: using soy milk; “How much do I have left on my card?;”  asking for a receipt; buying gift cards; informing the staff the cream is gone (when there’s a full carafe of cream right next to it); asking for silverware; making coffee puns; and not listening to the barista when he calls your drink out.