Dumb Twits

Over the weekend top Things People Hate correspondent Mayo reported first the tragic and devastating news that Miley Cyrus had canceled her Twitter account.

After examining some 300,000 Twitter accounts, a Harvard Business School professor reported last week that 10 percent of the service’s users account for more than 90 percent of tweets. The study dovetails with recent analysis by the media research firm Nielsen asserting that 60 percent of Twitter users do not return from one month to the next.

Which brings us to our point, Miley Cyrus isn’t the only one to say goodbye to Twitter.

Both findings suggest that, thus far, Twitter has been considerably better at signing up users than keeping them.

Naturally, many orphan tweets betray skepticism about microblogging. “I don’t get it… what’s the point of this thing?” read ben_pursell‘s first and last tweet. “Twitter deez nutz,” remarked beebles, rather caustically, before signing off for good. Yet a surprising number of one-and-done Twitterers demonstrate keen enthusiasm, leaving many to ponder what led them to change their minds.

But is the world at stake when crucial celebrities like Cyrus are even saying Twitter sucks?

Some one-time users don’t seem to understand what kind of service they’ve signed up for. I call this demographic, the John Travolta “Oh My God I just signed up for Scientology” group:

brittanyblevins what kind of donuts are you offering?
12:23 PM May 8th, 2008

reginarowland o1o6AqhQ0B
9:46 PM May 19th, 2008

pmosterday Director of Advancement
12:55 PM Nov 20th, 2008

The lion’s share of these singular postings describe a discrete experience or a current mood. This is probably because an orphan tweet is also a first tweet, and first-timers typically stick to answering the question hovering above the Twitter dialog box: “What are you doing?” I call this group the “Erin Andrews once again states the obvious” sector.

beckysomsel heading north for a party!
6:44 AM Dec 5th, 2008

anord04 eating a miniature pie
10:21 AM Jun 23rd, 2007

kttheet Wearing a gigantic t-shirt (2XL).
9:56 PM Apr 22nd, 2008

apsolutely4me picking lint from Judy’s naval while she is napping!
4:10 PM Sep 7th, 2008

ChristianDA Designing performance nutrition for Navy SEALs. Fighting government corruption (tall order). Telling American stories.
12:58 PM Nov 28th, 2008

Because orphan tweets are followed by a long silence, these ephemeral status reports take on a strange permanence. Is anord04 still working on that miniature pie? Was it bigger than it first seemed? Reading many of these one-offs, you can’t help but wonder whether some tragedy has come between the user and his second post. This group gets the obvious, “David Carradine Effect.”

Phillyrules it hurts to breathe. should I go to the hospital?
10:09 PM Aug 23rd, 2008

muthuboss life is hopeless ……
10:26 PM Jul 6th, 2008

rvictor Trying to escape this insanity
7:24 PM Jan 7^th

jeffreyshardy Sitting next to a big, hairy, smelly guy on the bus
5:04 PM Feb 11^th

DouglasAllen I am writing an email to the makers of Spray N Wash to thank them for making a product that got the blood stains out of my new PJs and robe.
7:40 PM Aug 27th, 2007

Not all orphan tweets inspire such macabre thoughts. At their best they resemble found art, an index of first lines of poems that have yet to be written. Most of these posters get the famous recognition of being recognized long after they passed. I call it the “Tupac Twit.”

mundial marching backwards toward the source of the four winds
9:45 AM Jul 17th, 2007

stonelove27 I am standing behind my nose…
11:59 AM Sep 5th, 2007

ladydrea Marcus Aurelius! You are loved! (I’m typing now…)
10:53 AM Jun 7th, 2008

newdayrising sold your soul to Jesus for a carton of yoghurt. He doesn’t even like yoghurt that much.
12:48 PM Mar 31st, 2008

boustanyn Getting ready for the third phase of life on this earth….
12:51 PM Nov 17th, 2008

bkennedy weeping gently
2:47 PM Mar 30th, 2007

In at least one instance, two orphan tweets appear to have been in conversation.

marcbresseel getting ready for cannes – printing latest briefing – I hate folding my shirts 8:36 AM Jun 14th, 2008

Kolcott @Marcbresseel You fold your shirts?
9:13 AM Jul 10th, 2008

Sadly, both of these conversations ended prematurely, like sex with Mayo.

So now’s your chance to rip Twitter a new one – in 170 characters or less of course. The winning diss on the comment feed wins a date with Celebrity Hater. Enjoy…

If you haven’t got your Miley fill and need to see more of her, check out our gallery for more Pictures of Miley Cyrus.