White guys hate IKEA.
The Swedish retailer is the bane of every straight guy’s existence. As soon as a guy drives up to that big blue and yellow store he realizes that his manhood has been torn from his crotch and crushed under a pair of walking clogs. The average IKEA store covers about 20 hectares and can be seen from space. It takes just as long to peruse every single item in an IKEA store as it does to watch a NFL playoff game.
Every man knows that if he doesn’t accompany his girlfriend to IKEA to look at the förhöja, then he won’t be able to look at her förhöja for a very long time.
There are two types of sad men you’ll find being led around an IKEA.
The first kind is the dude holding a baby while his wife shops. Not only does this poor sap have to spend his free time stuck at IKEA, he has to spend his free time stuck at IKEA with his wife and kids.
The second kind of pathetic man is the schmuck forced to carry one of those big yellow-bags-of-emasculation IKEA has all over the place. These shopping bags, which are purposely made to look like a woman’s tote, generally get stuffed full of crap like duvet covers, table-runners and ramekins.
She will eventually fill the bag with about 78 pounds of crap (with a retail value of about $11.50) and no matter how you hold it, you can’t help but look (and feel) like a pathetic shell-of-a-man.
Whenever I get dragged to an IKEA by my hjuviks, I always make sure I have a tape measure clipped to my belt.
Not only is a tape measure nine times more masculine than anything in an IKEA store, it also gives the illusion that I’m actually part of the decision-making process.
Of course I’m not, but it helps takes the sting out of the humiliating experience.
What IKEA really needs is a sports värdshus. That way guys can have a dricka and watch the spelstil on the big screen, while their wives spend all afternoon looking at skruvstas and noresunds.
Or white guys just need to get tough and demand that our wives take their girlfriends, or their mother or their gay best-friend to IKEA instead of us.
Somehow I think IKEA installing a sports bar is much more likely to happen.
I was laughing the whole time while reading this. I lucked out not having to go for the three mile hike last weekend due to a knee injury.
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Yeah…It’s kind of like non-stop Swedish Chef of the Muppets talk… You wander around and even if you like something how are you going to describe it…”There were these multi-colored shelves called some unpronounceable Swedish name” that about describes half the stuff in the store… Another thing that would help get the guys into and through the store…regular refreshment stops and tall blonde Swedish girls in French maid outfits…yep, that would work and you might even try to learn a few Swedish phrases…
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The allure of Ikea is that they have so much stuff under one roof. After about ten minutes following your significant other around with the tote bag, having only looked at the fake magazines they use for filler in their ‘rooms’ the biggest drawback to Ikea is: they have so much stuff.
The idea of Ikea is great, but it gets really boring really quickly. Having to cart crap around either in a bag or in a cart for all of that time is more than the American male was originally intended for. We are up to rising to any occasion, but a trip all the way through Ikea just to look around is way more than any man should be expected to endure.
Even if we like something we see in Ikea, it’s never worth finding it in the warehouse, hauling out to the car, getting it home and putting it together. While a great lure for women and the uber-shopper alike, if every store I had to shop at were like Ikea, I would be able to take my leave of being an almighty American consumer, and go back to being a couch potato. (but what will I sit on?)
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Ikea makes me even prouder to have Swedish blood running through my veins.
If I had a million dollars, I’m fairly certain I could spend it all in Ikea and feel okay about it. And what better than to enjoy a bag of Swedish fish while carrying that lovely yellow tote bag around? Even better is the fact that Ikea is environment-friendly. Plus, who needs a gym when you’ve got Ikea?
Hey, it’s better than Wal-Mart.
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