Mustaches

There is a long, complicated history of white people and facial hair, from hedgehogs camped out on the legendary Ambrose Burnsides’ face down to Ted Nugent’s creepy mid-80s handlebar. White people have largely come to terms with the fact that full beards make them look like lumberjacks, with all the unnecessary innuendos attached to that figure. Goatees are slightly more acceptable, though chances are good that any facial hair appearing on a white persons chin will make their face resemble Uncle Chester’s pants candy. But of all possible facial hair, the mustache is the permutation that white people have had the least success with. Some variations over the years have included the molester mustache (also called the molestache), the pencil thin mustache (also called the fruit loop), the porn stache (so vile it doesn’t even get the full “mustache” name because nobody must), and the handlebar. To date, no white person, including Colonel Sanders, has successfully sported a mustache without conjuring some image of gross sexual misconduct, with the possible exception of Hitler, who’s lasting image seems to conjure other equally distasteful images. In the end, mustaches should be left to martial arts actors, Mr. T, and Frida Kahlo because white people hate them.