Unusual Haircuts

You have your fauxhawks, your mohawks, your liberty spikes and your plain old spikes.  You have your cornrows, your devilocks and your dreadlocks too.  You have your recons and your shags.

Don’t forget mullets.

While we’re at it, let’s throw in tonsure and chonmage for good measure.  Then there’s your ordinary, run-of-the-mill, everyday long hair and your generic, garden variety, dyed hair.

What do the above haircuts/styles have in common?  Old white people hate them.

At some point in a white person’s life—it’s different for each white person—something clicks inside of them.  They go through a transformation where they stop viewing hair as a tool for self expression and start viewing hair as the sole barometer for a man’s worth.

You could have a law degree from Harvard and a job in the city’s most prestigious law firm, but if your hair is below your shoulders white people will think you’re a ne’er-do-well.

“Cut that hair!” old white people will say.

“I can’t,” you reply.  “Mr. Weathersby needs me in court.”

Conversely, you could be the biggest loser in the world, the worst person in the world, the cruelest person in the world, or Guy Ritchie and if your hair is short they will think you can do no wrong.

“You’re such a good boy,” old white people will say.

“I have to go,” you reply.  “Mr. Weathersby and I are going out to celebrate his acquittal.”

I was explaining my views about old white people and their hatred of unique haircuts to a friend of mine as we waited in line for a movie.  In the middle of reciting the above dialogue (I do voices and everything), a teenage boy, with very long hair, approached.  He picked up a twenty dollar bill lying next to my foot and returned it to me.

“You dropped this mister,” said the young boy dressed in neatly pressed suit and wearing an Olympic gold medal around his neck.

“Get a haircut punk!” I replied.

Now I’m old too.