TWPH: Tap Water.

If there has ever been anything in history that white people hated more than tap water, it could only be the Dark Ages – when they had to taste the bitter sting of white-on-white slavery (see White people hate Feudalism). Recently, a team of explorers in Iceland uncovered what was originally thought to be man’s earliest dildo. However, upon further inspection and laboratory testing, it was found to be a dual-function dildo and Viking water purifier dating back to sometime before George Burns had pubic hair (science is more speculation than precision, i.e. Heliocentricity). This proves that even back then, with an abundance of pure, clean tap water available in every hut, man still preferred to have that same water bottled and sold right back to him at a mark-up of 6000% And, of course, if you can bottle those resources in a non-white, water-scarce region, kill a little of the environment on the way, and put a little more change in some rich white man’s pocket, well, everybody wins there.