My ex the dudebro

Dudebro - a male, typically of the thirty thousand dollar millionaire persuasion, who likes to brag about how much he can drink and score, all while adjusting both his pop collar and side-tilted hat using only the aid of the back bar mirror and a misguided sense of purpose.

noun:

Good god, Janet, this bar is too full of dudebros, let’s go somewhere else.

adjective:  That idiot is such a dudebro, check out the pop on that collar!

Can also be split up to convey a sense of camaraderie between two dudebros.  i.e. “Dude!  Did you see that chick’s sweet hooters?”   “Bro, I’d so tap that.”  Males of this type also love to call the bartender boss.

See also:  douche, douchebag, bro, wannabe, lush, tiny penis

Dudebros are the bane of white female’s existence; actually, they’re probably the bane of female existence in general, because though I’d say 90% of dudebros are white, they’re starting to cross over all racial boundaries…it’s becoming a widespread takeover among males everywhere. I should know.  My ex is now a dudebro.  What’s sad is that he was probably a dudebro while I was dating him, but now that we’re split, he’s morphed into mega-dudebro. (read: a bigger dudebro than before).  Because we still have some very good friends in common, every once is awhile I’m forced to confront just how far advanced his dudebro-ness has become.  The other night, for example, we were in a bar and the big screen was running streaming footage of Hurricane Ike, which was in the process of wiping out most of Galveston and devastating parts of Houston.  He looks around with drunk-glazed eyes and yells out, “hey, can we get a football game on over here or something?”  And I’m un-ironically going, dude, that thing is heading right for my mom, and YOURS!  What the fuck is wrong with you?  He just nonchalantly rubbed his hands on what was probably a 200 dollar “vintage” t-shirt from Nordstrom, elbowed me with a smirk, and ordered another beer.  I kid you not.

The incident made me think of all the bars I’ve been to where the too-slick guy with the uber nice car and the name-brand Seven/RockinRepublic/TooMuchShitOnThePockets jeans has mistaken insulting me for being charming, or bought me a drink without asking what I like, or grabbed my ass as I fight my way to the bathroom.  It reminded me of the hell that is the single-girl bar scene, which I’m thankfully no longer a part of.  However, to help out those unfortunate chicas that are still out there dealing daily with the cult of the dudebro, I’ve come up with a top 5 list of helpful hints for dealing with this unfortunate species. Enjoy!

5.  Use Sarcasm:  The drunk dudebro is invariably immune to sarcasm, taking everything you say very literally.  Use this to insult them at every turn, and they will believe everything you say is going to lead to them getting some at the end of the night.   i.e. Wow, your jean pockets are just so, so BIG.  (bat eyes while doing this, and they will inevitably think you’re referring to their package.)

4.  Don’t talk about money: This will throw them off and eventually make them wander away, because they won’t understand why you’re not gushing over their fat money clip full of $100s (which is really just one hundred dollar bill over a bunch of ones).  Dudebros like girls who like money.  Not talking about money is a surefire way to get rid of one.

3.  Wear real vintage:  The dudebro is invariably immune to the pleasures of a true vintage find, so accustomed are they to paying mondo bucks for something that looks vintage but isn’t.  So, if you show up wearing a true 40′s thrift store dress and channeling Bettie Page, the dudebro won’t understand and will run from the inexpensive ensemble you’re rocking.

2.  Leave the bleach and silicon at home:  Dudebros are the epitome of fake.  Therefore, they are attracted to fake. (fake hair, fake tits, fake tan, you get the picture)  Avoid these attempts at self-perfection, and you can avoid the dudebro.

1.  Attach yourself to a Non-Dudebro:  It’s not completely surefire, but if you’re in a bar and you attach yourself to the first hipster or emo or anything other than a dudebro you can find, you will be one step closer to keeping clear of the dudebro.  This is because the dudebro suffers from a pack mentality, and they are very rarely flying sans other dudebros.  They thus stay clear of any male that is not a dudebro.