New Underwear

Ok, so I may be putting myself out on a limb here by venting about my hatred for a certain kind of new underwear, which in turn will reveal that I wear that kind of underwear.  That being the case, since no one knows who I am I’ll go ahead and do it anyways.  I hate new boxer briefs!  That’s right, I sport the gay-man’s hybrid underwear, but that pathetic fact is not the point of this rant, the point is that breaking in a new pair is a horrible experience and I am going to bitch about it until the manufacturers earn how to make a pair of underwear that is pre-broken in.

Imagine this, its a few days after Christmas and you ran out of clean sets of the good old reliable 6 year old pairs of underwear you had worked so tirelessly to break in.  You reach into the drawer and decide that this is the day that you will begin to break in those 8 pairs of boxer briefs that your wife bought you for Christmas (see next week’s rant about how I hate that my wife bought me underwear for Christmas). You pull out a pair and after shuffling throgh the 8 pairs to find one that looks less itchy you put it on.  As you are slipping on the underwear you discover that either your thighs are abnormally thick or the underwear is meant to have the elastic around the legs snapped.  You hear a snap and continue to pull them up.  At first you appreciate the renewed support that you have been lacking from the overly worn pairs of underwear you are used to wearing…..but that’s before the itching sets in.

Now the itching does not start until you have already left the house and lost the chance to change to a dirty pair of your old briefs.  You are half way to work and the top elastic that keeps the things from falling down beginings to itch as if the underwear came pre-loaded with crabs.  You try to not think about it but after 5 minutes of mind-over-matter you begin to tug at the elastic and experiment with seated positions to avoid the itch.  As I pull up to work the underwear is itching so bad that I am ready to call in sick and return home to change or just go commando and hope I don’t dribble a bit of piss in my pants that day.  Finally, when my mind is about to creep into crazyville from the itch, I discover a secret.  A secret so great that it will make breaking in the other 7 pairs of underwear a breeze.  What is that secret you ask?  Click to find out.