People who dress their dogs like people.

Dogs are not people. They are dogs, which is why we give them their own species name: dog. And yet, it seems like every time I turn on the television, take my offspring to the park, or cruise the mall looking for high school girls to flirt with, somebody is prancing their poodle or Pomeranian around in a tutu and high heels, restrained only by a patent leather, diamond studded leash. Now look, I understand that people love their animals. I’m all for that. I’m less agreeable to the idea that pets are somewhat akin to children, but I’m an open-minded guy. If you want to raise your dog in the way most people raise their children, putting your Shi-Tzu in the best schools and only allowing her to drink Perrier, that’s fine with me. It’s your dime, you whack job. But at some point, your “lifestyle choices” start to impact me. For one, I have to explain to my 2-year-old that she doesn’t need to be carried around in a feathered, crushed velvet cage like the other kids. For another, at my local mall, the place where I must shop since they ran all the other stores out of town, they recently closed down the Cinnabun so they could put in a Doggy Chic, for all my ridiculous canine clothing needs. I’m losing vital poundage because Fify needs a doggy thong. And finally, I’m convinced that, as rich retards deign to pay $750 for a Louis Vuitton belt for their Chihuahuas, clothing purveyors for people see that doggy clothes are being bought at 10,000% mark-ups and they raise the prices on my banana hammock brand of choice. I’m being assaulted from all angles by people who think dogs need mini-skirts. But I know people aren’t going to change their wicked ways just to save me from having to clean up the floor every time I puke at the sight of a dog’s ass hanging out of a pair of Daisy Dukes. So instead, I’d like to plead for the poor dog’s dignity. If your dog is so fragile as to need a mink coat, Fido needs to be put down. Buy a real f-ing dog that can walk on the four legs provided by nature, that can survive those nasty Miami winters without a pink pagmina, and that can bite your dumb ass the first time you try to fit him with a sweater vest. White people hate people who dress their dogs like people, but just imagine how the poor dogs feel.