Accidental gay marriage

This year, California and now Connecticut have had State Supreme Court decisions that strike down laws against gay marriage as unconstitutional. In response, several states have “marriage protection” acts on their ballots for the upcoming elections—to make sure marriage is kept “simple,” these acts define marriage as one man and one woman. But these laws don’t make anything any easier. For example, is Janet Reno a marriage by his/herself? Or is she half man/half woman? Does she need to marry David Bowie to even out the one man/one woman ratio? Could David Bowie marry Prince? It’s all very confusing, if you ask me, but it seems to make sense to the “Kilted Catholics” who play bagpipes and carry signs proclaiming Jesus’ hatred of the gays on street corners in my neighborhood. How gay marriage is an abomination but men in skirts playing bagpipes is a powerful sign of one’s Christianity I’ll never know.

In any case, it’s clear that white people feel very strongly about gay marriage on both sides of the debate. One the pro-gay marriage side, honkeys unite under the banner of equal rights. On the anti-gay marriage side, it’s mostly pale-faced Jesus mongers who fill the ranks, though homophobes emerge in many shapes, sizes, colors, and religious affiliations (and apparently sexualities—methinks Pat Robertson doth object too much). And the anti-gays, as I like to call them, also have made another thing very clear—they aren’t afraid of the gays, they’re afraid of accidental gay marriage. Apparently, if gay marriage is allowed, a perfectly straight man, say Pat Robertson, for example, might be walking mannishly down some local thoroughfare, and without warning, may find himself in a gay marriage ceremony. Some powder puff could just curtsy up to old Pat, nefariously slip a ring on his finger, and ruin Pat’s “real” marriage. Pat, as the logic goes, would have no recourse. He wouldn’t even be given time enough to say “no”! (and if he did, he might have to pay for his own rape kit.) Before he had a minute to think, he’d be off on his honeymoon to a rave in Mykonos. Poor Pat would spend the rest of his married life wondering why laws were passed to protect him against the abomination of accidental gay marriage.

Ultimately, whitey is right. Accidental gay marriage is a threat to marriage. Why, if I got accidentally gay married, I’d be forced to get a divorce from my wife, seal myself off from my child (so she wouldn’t catch what I have), and dump hundreds of dollars into cutoff jean shorts and mani/pedis. Whitey can’t prance around town, I mean stomp around town, worrying that he or she might accidentally get gay married. It would just complicate things, which is why white people hate accidental gay marriage.