Voters

For those of us who spend far more of our lives than we should watching politics, it’s becoming clearer and clearer that white people hate voters. For at least 150 years, whitey has been woring to limit voting by some people through aggressive legislation, poll taxes, literacy tests, and threat of physical violence. Even white women were blocked from voting until less than 100 years ago. More recently, hanging chads, voter-cleansing, Diebold machines, and the newly en vogue government issued ID requirement have served to prevent people from voting. Of course, most people who oppose these measures claim that poor people and people of color are prevented from voting disproportionately, but whitey contends otherwise.

According to whitey, everyone should be allowed to vote if they’re eligible. Let the whole world vote, if they follow the rules of the road. Of course, whitey makes the rules of the road, so that’s nice. Whitey has a hand (usually the only hand) in deciding what voters get to vote. So whitey passes laws that make it a little harder for some people—it just makes people want it more, right?

But whitey knows the trouble with letting non-white people vote. They always want to vote for non-whitey, like somehow whitey hasn’t done right by poor people, women, and people of color since the founding of this fine country. So, whitey does what whitey does best—he helps non-whitey make the right decision by not giving non-whitey any decisions to make at all. Whitey pushes candidates not to say anything intelligible, pushes laws to protect non-whitey from him or herself, and keeps close oversight over organizations like ACORN that might otherwise encourage non-whitey to cast a ballot, which would just have to be discarded anyway because of insufficient chad punching. In the end, white people find it’s easier to just hate voters. That way you don’t feel bad turning the fire hose on them at the voting booth.