Reading job applications from people with ridiculous names and unprofessional email addresses

White people hate reading job applications from people with ridiculous names and unprofessional email addresses.

True story: I recently placed an ad for a receptionist job that opened up at my place of employment. It is my duty to vet applicants and pass the qualified candidates on to the next “yes-man” in the chain of command. Not too hard. I read their cover letters, skim their resumes, and determine if they’re qualified to answer phones and send faxes. But, for some reason, I guess I only tapped into the special group of people who are automatically disqualified for one of two reasons: 1) their parents hate them; or 2) they’re obviously idiots.

The first candidate to send me her application was named “Toy”—yeah, that’s right. As in, “play with me.” I have seen too many adult movies with receptionists named suggestive names to think that was a good idea. The next applicant was named Jheimmie. Let me save you the trouble—it’s pronounced “Jamie.” I also had a Horesee, a Sparkles, and a Zha Zha (just like the Gabor). I had two Shonniekas, a Dinarda, and 3 Jenafers. In fact, all told I received resumes from over 40 people who’s names I couldn’t even begin to read without laughing. In truth, I began to feel bad because once those names got passed around the office and everyone had a chance to chuckle mightily, the resumes circled back to me and I threw them in the shredder (no point in letting the cleaning staff take cheap shots at these poor unfortunate strangers, too). It occurred to me, all these people must have had terrible childhoods. They were obviously born into families that hate them—why else would you name your daughter Bonqueisha? It’s like a recipe for failure, not because Bonquiesha isn’t qualified to do the job, but because there’s no way my boss (or most bosses) would ever hire someone with that name to answer their phones. “Hi, I’m Bonquiesha. Thanks for calling ‘Dildos International.’ How may I direct your call?” Our dildo customers would laugh their asses off and then call “Dildos-R-Us” where Sarah answers the phones.

But I can’t hate these people. They were given shitty names, and they’re trying to make the best of their lives in spite of the sheer cruelty of their parents. I can, on the other hand, hate all the dumb m-fers who are too stupid to come up with a mildly professional email address from which to send their resumes. Some one should have explained to BigOlTitties39@twatmail.com and ShugaplumFaery@menzboyz.org that it would be to their benefit to open a more professional account from which to send emails to prospective employers. Actually, screw that—nobody should have to tell them. They should just know that they need a not-absurd email address for work related inquiries. Maybe something with your name, provided by a company with a good reputation like Google or Yahoo. You could even use Excite if you’re feeling frisky. In addition to Big Ol and Shugaplum, I also got emails from PotSmoker88, WikedChik, DaddysGurl47833, PrettyPinkPrincess, Miss_Red_Eyeliner, and WarrenG (not the rapper, I might add). As with the weirdly named, I received over 40 applications from these parties of interest, and as with the weirdly named, they made the rounds before being sold to local neighborhood druggies as rolling papers. All in all, I managed to weed out almost 100 applicants without having to venture past the first one or two lines of their applications. Thankfully, we found 5 or 6 qualified people with normal names and regular old email addresses. We interviewed them and offered one person the job. She accepted, she answers the phones, no one laughs. But it was an eye-opening experience, and maybe next time I place an ad, I’ll say right in it, “Before you apply, keep in mind that white people hate reading job applications from people with ridiculous names and unprofessional email addresses.”