Guitar Hero

Despite the name, Guitar Hero is not the name of Jimmy Page’s autobiography or Eric Clapton’s newest yacht.  Guitar Hero is a video game where you pretend to play a guitar—emphasis on the word “pretend.”

Some of these Guitar Zeroes actually think their musicians.

If you play Guitar Hero you don’t actually know how to play a guitar.  All you know how to do is play a video game and erode your dignity.

A real guitar is a musical instrument with frets and six strings.  A Guitar Hero guitar is a video game controller with five brightly colored buttons and a toggle switch.

If gamers spent half the time they spend playing Guitar Hero actually learning how to play a real guitar, they’d be session musicians by now.

Some losers have recorded their Guitar Hero performances and put them on YouTube.  Why would I want watch someone play a hackney version of a classic rock song when I CAN JUST LISTEN TO THE ORIGINAL?

You got five stars on “Freebird” on expert?  Big deal, Lynyrd Skynyrd’s Allen Collins got five stars on “Freebird” in real life!

I’ve actually seen Guitar Hero porn—naked women playing Guitar Hero.  It’s not the least bit sexy and it will do nothing for your whammy bar.

Have you been to a big box electronic store lately?  They have Guitar Hero merchandise stacked up like those pallets of food the U.N. airlifts to third world countries.  Best Buys should be renamed to Best Guitar Hero, Circuit City to Guitar Hero City.

If you like to play the game, that’s great.  Play Guitar Hero and enjoy the experience.

Just understand that by playing Guitar Hero you’re just playing a video game, not actually making music.

Also keep in mind that excelling at Guitar Hero doesn’t make you Slash from Guns N’ Roses, it just makes you pasty with a wide-open social calendar.

The only difference between being good at Guitar Hero and being good at Gears of War 2 or Fallout 3, or some other video game, is with Guitar Hero you learn some cool rock songs.