TWPH: “Tits”

White people hate “tits”.

“Wait!” your brain yells. “What is this idiot talking about?!? I have to get out of this Twilight Zone episode.”

But, before you freak out, allow me to explain.

I know that at first glance, the mere suggestion that white people hate tits is ridiculous, even blasphemous. And I’ll admit, when I was first realizing this widespread sentiment amongst white people, I knew it would be controversial, maybe even revolutionary. I knew I would have to bring it to the readers of TWPH, and I knew that I would have a hard time making the case that white people hate tits, but here it goes.

Imagine, if you will, the perviest weirdo you know. Maybe your cousin Ralphie who jerks off in public restrooms; maybe it’s your little brother who occasionally sleepwalks into your room and dry humps your bean bag chair; or maybe it’s your best friend Tremain who gets a little aroused during Salt’n’Pepa videos. Even when you take all these perverts together and put them in a room with your great uncle Morty who amuses himself by looking up octogenarians dresses at the old folks home, you will never find anything quite as creepy as when your most normal friend describes something as “tits,” as in, “Hey, that 1967 Chevy Malibu is tits” or “My prostate exam was negative. That’s so tits!” Perhaps it’s the mental picture aroused of a prostate with two perky breasts or the vision of a car, even a classic one, with man-sized mammaries that is the biggest affront. Perhaps it’s the fact that when I think of breasts, I prefer to think of them as a comfort zone, which stands in direct opposition to my associations with a normal prostate exam. Perhaps it’s even the fact that the only people who actually use the phrase “That’s tits” seem to be pimply-faced, Dungeons and Dragons aficionados or Alpha-male dickheads who most people believe deep-down are secretly gay. I don’t know, but in spite of white people’s deep-seated fondness for the life-giving sustenance that is breasts, the creepiness that invades our bodies at the mere utterance of the offending phrase makes white people hate “Tits!”

We know the picture doesn’t fit the post, but who is gonna complain?