White People Hate Port’o'Pottys

Unless you are a construction worker or a day laborer, or perhaps just a drunken loser that can’t man up and piss in the middle of the street like your daddy taught you, white people will go to great lengths to avoid using a port’o'potty. It is only under the most extreme situations that a trip to the blue dumper is allowed, (see Taco Trucks) there must be forces on the colon of biblical proportions. The crapper is where white people get to be captain, where the mind is free to wander in and out of the lives of famous and rich people, it is where the greatest epiphanies happen in white people’s lives. It has long been rumored that electricity and the quadratic equation were developed in the bathrooms of smarter people than you or I, especially you. But how can one think with the threat of your sanctuary being lifted up by a helicopter and carried across the skyline of New York (ala Steve Guttenberg in Police Academy 9, Three Men and Little Cop or whatever). If it is hot outside then it smells like a mixture of dead baby cow crap and what I imagine the back of Steve Guttenberg’s knee smells like. Would it have killed the person who invented this horrific contraption to put in a foam seat, white people have very sensitive asses and half the time they sit on those cold hard seats, they get stage fright and can’t “make.” And there is also the possibility of splash back, this is the worst of all threats, the thought of a weeks worth of 20 different ex-lunches and dinners stewing about in a primordial ooze not more than 9 inches below you splashing back and smearing your body like a big wet sloppy kiss from Joan Rivers. White people would rather dump in their own bathroom and have it televised on the nightly news with Katie Couric than to dump in private in a port’o'potty.