There was a movie in the early 1990’s in which Dan Aykroyd played a judge in some backwoods town in rural New Jersey. Chevy Chase, your typical city slicker, wanders into town with his estranged girlfriend, Demi Moore, only to find that they’re trapped in a wildly implausible scenario. The movie wasn’t very good, though I don’t know if it was bad enough for white people to hate. What stands out, though, is how like Bill O’Reilly the judge looks. If memory serves, they were spitting images of one another, give or take a couple of pounds. Ordinarily this resemblance would not be remarkable enough to warrant the extended synopsis above, except that the defining characteristic of the judge’s face was his nose, a feature that we discover late in the movie is actually the tip of his penis grafted onto his face. Which brings me back to Bill O’Reilly. There is no conclusive evidence, except for the uncanny resemblance to Dan Akroyd’s movie character, but I have a sneaking suspicion that Bill O’Reilly is a dick nose.

But, even if O’Reilly isn’t a dick nose, we can be certain he’s a dickhead. It turns out, Bill O’Reilly is good at two things: riling people up (no pun intended) and taking offense when other people rile him up. I won’t spend time here recounting all the stupid things O’Reilly, the “journalist” has done over the past several years—there’s plenty of type wasted on him elsewhere. But what I think is so crystallizing about him is his ability to be offended by other people’s actions which have nothing to do with him. He’s as likely to throw a temper tantrum over someone saving their Persian cat from a tree (all Persians are, of course, terrorists in the “No Spin Zone”) as he is to verbally abuse the child of a 9/11 victim. Were you kidnapped and sexually abused over the course of several years? O’Reilly thinks you probably had a blast. The only people O’Reilly seems to defend are idiots like him, people hell bent on making public asses of themselves.

Some of us were drawn in when O’Reilly first started blustering and blowing a few years ago. But, as time has drawn on and he’s become more of an embarrassment to white people everywhere, we’ve come to realize that everyone, especially white people, hates Bill O’Reilly.