Caught Red Handed

This one is especially for the white men out there but I’m sure there have been some horny skeevy ladies out there that have experienced the embarrassment of being caught diddling themselves.

I would have to start off with the image of a family member popping in the noodle as the worst non-physical thing that can happen during self satisfaction time. And if that family member happens to be a mother….that’s when play time is instantly over (however, if its just an aunt or a cousin, things could have been worse…. just do what I do guys and give her a different name in your fantasy).

The second worst is when you’re watching porn and you’re just starting to cum and the camera pans up to the guys face and you’re like “fuck me, i just wasted one” and once you finish the camera pans back down to her jiggling chesticles and then you get disgusted with yourself and swear off masturbation until later on that night when you try to tackle hump your wife and she denies you until you’re in the bathroom for 30 minutes. Then when you get out she goes in and says what were you doing in here for so long, it doesn’t smell like you were “making,” to which you say “shut up, i’m going to bed,” then you run and jump into bed with a snicker on your face and you sleep like a baby until you wake up teeter tottering on your own woody.

Another horrible one is someone walking in on you, especially when you are really pounding it like pizza dough, that gets embarassing. If it is not someone actually walking in on you, even a knock on the door is bad enough. You have to quickly turn off whatever you are watching (be it a porn, soul train, an old episode of full house), pull your pants up like a perverted monkey, and run to the door out of breath and sweaty. And if it’s a friend at the door then you get the what the fuck man, were you just whacking off. No, I wasn’t just whacking off, I was cleaning house, now get out of here so I can blow my load in the toilet.

There’s also the 45 minute whack off that no matter what you think of or how hard you try you just can’t acheive, well you could have at the very beginning but you didn’t want to blow it too early, now you’re thinking of everyone you’ve ever had sex with, you’re thinking about all the exotic looking minorities (usually asian), you might even intentionally start thinking of that somewhat hot cousin, and then you wake up the next day with a little scab on the rim cause you didn’t want to bother with the mess of using lotion.

These are the things that white people hate when they’re just trying to get their rocks off! Now you know why some of us have a chip on our shoulders.