Michael Phelps

Yeah Yeah, he swims really f’ing fast, whoopadeedoo. Ever hear of a little thing called working for a living. What’s he doing for world peace? Not a damn thing. What’s he doing for the economy (the one that is taking a healthy shit in the toilet? Zilch! Oh great, he can play around in the pool all day like a tax sapping minority and we all celebrate when he sets a new record like a bunch of silly nancy’s, meanwhile, I can’t make my mortgage payment. Hell, my neighbor the accountant has a pool, I can go splash around a while like an idiot too! Will that get you to send me to some godforesaken country so everyone can ooh and ahhh at me like a monkey in a cage?

And whats so impressive anyways? This guy has the wingspan of a freaking Terradactyl and looks like a creation in Dr. Frankenstein’s laboratory. Oh, and could we get a little less of a dork to represent the greatest country on Earth. Seriously, I’ve taken shits that are cooler than this guy. My grandpa the confederate always used to tell me never trust a man who wears a speedo for a living, it just ain’t white.