Republican Joe Wilson

Who could forget the infamous, “you lie” episode during the middle of President Obama’s speech to Congress? Congressmen are known for saying and doing dumb things, but Wilson’s remark was definitely the high point of hilarity.

George W. Bush

Bush stepped out of office at the end of January, but that didn’t prevent him from making the list via a comment he made on January 12th:

“One of the very difficult parts of the decision I made on the financial crisis was to use hardworking people’s money to help prevent there to be a crisis.”

Rush Limbaugh

Always outspoken and controversial, Limbaugh immediately turned some heads when he declared that he hoped “Obama fails.” Whether you are Republican or Democrat, can you really wish failure on anyone? Rush Limbaugh can without hesitation.

Barack Obama

Rush Limbaugh’s dreamed came true when the man in the white house confessed to some immediate problems with a poor selection for his cabinet. Merely saying:

“I screwed up.”

Apology sort of accepted.

Michael Phelps

Phelps was the golden boy of the 2008 summer Olympics, however ’09 took a turn for the worst when Phelps was caught in a photo hitting up a bong.

“It’s clearly not what my mom wanted.”

Phelps replied, once again proving that professional athletes state the obvious. At least it was fairly comical.

Falcon Heene

And here is the reason I love kids:

“Um, you guys said that we, um, did this for the show.”

The Heenefamily, or should I say parents, came up with an evil ploy to stage their son’s disappearance on a balloon overhead in my backyard of northern Colorado. However, the balloon landed and a boy was not inside. Police raised a red flag, but Falcon confirmed everything when he spoke these words on a national interview. Kids always tell the truth.

Tiger Woods

Woods went double boogey when he was involved in a minor car crash a couple of weeks ago and then several alleged mistresses began to float around.

“I need to focus my attention on being a better husband, father and person.”

Rumors are that the couple now plans to separate.

Jessie Ventura

Former Minnesota Governor and professional wrestle Jessie “The Body” Ventura raised some eyebrows when he said:

“You give me a water board, Dick Cheney and one hour, and I’ll have him confess to the Sharon Tate murders.”

The funny thing is I would actually like to see this happen.

Octomom

There was a time when Nadya Suleman, aka “Octomom,” was a media sensation. Now, everyone has all but forgotten about this constantly mating whore. She did, however, remark:

“I screwed up my life, I screwed up my kids’ lives.”

Fortunately, not a single soul believes the sincerity of that statement.

Margaret Chan

Cry wolf and the media is sure to follow. Sure, it’s better to be safe than sorry, but can we all finally agree that the media really overreacted to the whole H1N1 deal? Hey, Margaret Chan thought it was serious:

“The virus is not stoppable.”

Our earth is in good hands with this World Health Organization Director.

Beer Guts

Beer guts suck, yet like the H1N1 swine flu they are inevitable to someday take over the world (metaphor courtesy of MSNBC). Let’s face it, unless you are health freak (one who works out one or more times a week) and eat healthy (meaning you avoid anything that tastes good) you decrease your odds of a beer gut by 70-80%. If you do neither of the above, you’re percentage of beer gut likelihood is 100%. We hate them, but later on learn to embrace beer guts as nifty TV trays or bass drums.

Liberals

If you are in the minority (as evident from the past presidential election), you hate liberals. Fox News is your friend, and a very “legitimate” and “fair” news source. You strongly believe that Barack Obama is the anti-Christ. The current health care reform has drove you to attend such things as “tea parties” and “public hearings on health care.” You most likely live in the states of Texas, Wyoming, Montana, Nebraska, or the states in the south.

Hollywood

Some people may hate celebrities because they have everything we always wanted and still are unhappy. Others just may not agree with the incredible amounts of greed, pride, envy, and horrible movies this sector of the U.S. produces every year. No matter your angle, Hollywood, despite the past trend of thinking, is a place we love to hate. We hate actors who tell you to recycle your soda and drive hybrids while they sulk in million dollar mansions. We love to hate those who are especially down in the dumps and can’t catch a break. The basic formula is this: if you have a lot of money and media attention, we’re gona straight up hate your ass.

“Mondays”

Mondays suck. No one likes them, yet one guy or girl always has to crack a joke about a Monday, every single Monday. Damn, did anyone notice how many times I said “Monday” in that last sentence? Monday is always a great day to call in sick, but you’re Tuesday will thus become a Monday x2. Yes, I know what you’re thinking. Monday’s are a very twisted and heartless day. Thankfully, Thanksgiving also does not fall on a Monday. I beg to differ with anyone who merely thinks that is a coincidence.

People Who Talk in Theaters

 
The whole point of going to see a movie is to sit in silence for two hours and watch a really good film or at least persuade your girlfriend into giving you a (censored for the family audience). People who talk in theaters are just above Satan yet not as bad as “404, not found” when searching for the Carmen Electra sex tape. People who talk in theaters will talk for a number of reasons and none of them are constructive. With the price of admission now close to $10 after dark, I can guarantee one of these people will get assaulted in the near future for “taking the call.”

Outspoken Professional Athletes

A lot of people hated Muhammad Ali while he boxed because the man called it like it was. Today, Ali is a rather beloved individual battling the horrific Parkinson’s disease and another kind of sickness has spread across professional sports. Superstar athletes with a platform to say something (Tiger Woods, LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, etc) instead elect to state the obvious and ring off a collection of cliches. For those athletes who do speak up (a la Latrell Spreewell, Allen Iverson, etc) often do so only to complain about playing time or money. Kids need athletes who they can respect both on and off the field. If you can shoot a basketball better than anyone else, good for you. But please attempt to say at least one intelligent (and grammatically correct) statement off it. Then we can really hate you!

Conservatives

If you hate Bill O’Reilly and believe Sarah Palin is the anti-Christ, you my friend are either Bill Mahr or a liberal. Bill Mahr’s live in California, Washington, New York, and many of the other Eastern states. Liberals roam throughout the remainder of the United States. You believe MSNBC is a “legit” and “fair” news source. You also more than likely believe religion is a fable (aka Bill Mahr) or you simply think you are making a substantial difference in the world by recycling (aka Al Gore).

Bosses

It’s time to drop the act for a moment (I’m talkin’ to you brown nose) and get real with TPH. No one likes their boss. Everyone thinks they can do a better job when compared to a pencil pushing, suspender wearing, money hungry, slowly balding boss. If you’re too old, people think “you’ve lost a step with today’s market.” Too young? “That little prick doesn’t know anything.” If you’re too tough “you’re a Nazi”; too easy and “you’re a pushover.” Bosses, while few good one’s exist, really have a tough job. Don’t think so? Try steping into their shoes for a day pal.

Running out of T.P.

No, T.P. does not stand for Tom (Pathetic) Cruise (although we do wish we could get rid of him), but rather your favorite cleaner upper. Toilet paper is highly cherished, yet never gets any love. That is until of course, you run out of toilet paper. T.P. in a sense, is like an offensive lineman. You never notice them until they do something wrong. They will also protect your back side.

Note: I included this “hate” item while sitting on the john with my laptop, working on this very story. Needless to say, I now have a very dirty laptop.

Terrorists

Unless you are Ward Churchill or Sean Penn, you were more than a little upset after the recent attack on Fort Hood and other attacks on this great nation (both terrorist and non-terrorist) that jeopardize our way of life. Terrorists are insecure party poopers who were likely brainwashed at an early age and convinced that they must destroy America. Today, you get “heroes” strapping bombs to their bodies and walking into a public market. To quote George Bush, “terrorists suck.”

In all seriousness, we may not hate many things, but one thing we should all agree on is the severity of terrorism and our need to constantly protect our freedom and rights. Thank you to all our soldiers fighting for our very rights on this very Thanksgiving. We thank you for your sacrifice.

To quote the great Rob Riggle, “USA! USA! USA!”

President Barack Obama recently called Kanye a “jackass.” The Presidential remark was in reference to West interrupting Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech at MTV’s Video Music Awards show Sunday night.

The President was apparently talking “off the record” but his comments were nonetheless tweeted by ABC News employees.

The folks in the ABC News room were listening to an interview between the President and CNBC’s John Hardwick (the two news organizations share the same fiber optics line), and didn’t know the comment was “off the record.”

One employee, Terry Moran, a former White House correspondent, tweeted: “Pres. Obama just called Kanye West a ‘jackass’ for his outburst at VMAs when Taylor Swift won. Now THAT’S presidential.”

Maybe “jackass” is a little crass coming from the leader of the free world but it was highly appropriate. Heck, it was appropriate had the President said it a week ago. It’s a comment just about everyone in America can relate too regardless of their political views or even their musical tastes.

So what did ABC News do? They apologized for releasing the President’s remarks and had the tweets deleted.

What else would expect from the All Barack Channel?

To think that the President can speak off the record is absurd and to do so when wearing a microphone is flat out ridiculous. ABC News is supposed to be a critic of the President not his censor.

There is a tradition amongst news hounds that pre-interview chatter is off limits but it’s doubtful they would have adhered to such an unwritten rule for other presidents.

It’s inexcusable that ABC is kowtowing to the President. How can anyone take them seriously now?

Besides, calling West a “jackass” makes it pretty clear that “President Obama doesn’t care about black people.”

You never want to say the media is biased, but that’s like saying strippers actually care about their clients welfare and don’t just want their money. 

Obama’s vacation was quite the headline last week, including one report that Obama was leaving enormous tips behind.

But could the media be lying? Just this once?

Reports say Obama tipped a clerk at a general store $15 on $5 of ice cream and candy. But according to the clerk TMZ.com spoke to, Barack took his change with him: “What tip? He didn’t leave a tip. We don’t have a tip jar, he took his change.”

However, at the second store he visited, Barack did let the clerk keep the change — a whopping $1.99.

What a gracious tip indeed.

It’s sort of ironic that Obama is labeled an everyday average-Joe, vacation and all, yet Bush must not be human because he also wanted to take vacations here and there.

Refresh me again; What exactly has Obama done yet, aside from raising the national deficit and wanting universal health care?

The poster is starting to appear in odd places like Los Angeles (imagine that liberals), that depicts Barack Obama as nutcase The Joker posed as how Heath Ledger looked in the film “Batman: The Dark Knight.” Under the mimic photo is the phrase “Socialism.”

The posters do not appear to be in the same category as the many benign take-offs of the Shepard Fairey “Hope” poster.

One may ask what in the world Barack Obama would have in common with the Joker and Socialism?

I truly have no idea.

It doesn’t make any sense to me. Obama a socialist?

The only thing creepier (and whiter) than these photos was Michael Jackson after his sixth plastic surgery.

While the economy remains skeptical, many question the bailout, and the immigration bill spurs debate – Obama’s idea of an Easter weekend included a new gift for his daughters.

The six-month old Portuguese Water Dog named “Bo” is now the luckiest dog in the world. I mean his new home is the White House, he has plenty of open grass to run in, and will never have to work another hard day in his life.

According to a report by The Washington Post, the daughters selected the name Bo because their cousin has a cat named Bo and Obama’s father was nicknamed Diddley, as in Bo Diddley.

Touching!

The dog is a gift from Ted Kennedy and the Post reports that the girls anxiously wanted a dog since their father promised one during his campaign trail for presidency.

And what’s even sadder then this story being “big news?”

How about the genius who went to all of the trouble of creating a new web site (firstdogcharlie.com) for the dog he or she assumed would be the first dog in the White House?

Yeah that’s right, somebody created a web site dedicated to a dog named Charlie, a fellow Portuguese Water dog, whom the site’s creator figured was the selection of the Obama family.

I guessed he or she figured wrong.

And the final punchline?

The White House actually took time out of their schedule to dismiss the web site as false.

Anyways, Joaquin Phoenix and I recently got out of the studio and I wanted to give you a taste of what’s to come…

The White Rap

Reyns: Yo, I’m Reyns Gems, I’m the one in the lens…the one you talk about with all of your friends

Joaquin: And I’m Joaquin, we do what we please…so get on your knees and cut us some cheese

Reyns: Cause I’m hungry and my rhymes straight lyrical

Joaquin: Empirical?, nah I sport my beard straight biblical

Reyns: Because he’s Joaquin and I’m Reyns Gems

Joaquin: And we rap and we like little men

Reyns: No we don’t, I think you’re stretching for a rhyme

Joaquin: You’re right Reyns, I sling words like they crimes

Reyns: On Late Night J, they said you acted like a mime

Joaquin: That’s fine, cause at least I’m not Ben Stein

Reyns: Ben Stein’s cool as least I’m not wanted by the po

Joaquin: Oh you talkin ’bout Lindsey Lo, oh yeah she’s a –

Reyns: You can’t say that on the radio like Jackie Mason

Joaquin: Those racist remarks for Barack Obama they based on

Reyns: And now Al Sharpton’s pissed so what’s new?

Joaquin: Nothing dude, us white rappers hated on like Jews

Reyns: Come on Joaquin let’s bid adieu…