Boobies 

Fact – babies are drawn to the woman’s teet from a very early age. Also a Fact – we love them even more with age. You can’t fight science so what’s the sense in fighting the selection of boobies for our Top 10 list of “The Things We are Thankful For”? Boobies come in all sizes and a few shapes, but they never fail to let down a man. Alexander the Great once wrote, “when faced with the cold, hard reality of death – give me titties to clutch on to as I fall into the depths of darkness.” He was a smart man.

Beer 

Nothing shares the universal appeal to make botha good or bad day better than an ice cold beer. Men love to down beer at land-speed rates. Name one thing beer cannot do! It’s often drained in large quantities after World Championships, crucial defeats, wedding ceremonies, divorce proceedings, and at the Things People Hate’s office. And yes, it almost always leads to poor decisions. It’s five o’clock somewhere.

Las Vegas

Normally us humans try to avoid the desert, unless we are going to Las Vegas. Let’s face it, Vegas provides endless possibilities and rarely are they healthy. Vegas boasts plenty of the first two things on our list (boobies and beer) while also supplementing a healthy dose of gambling. What is it with gambling? Seriously? We know ahead of time we’re going to lose large chunks of money, yet we cannot avoid the blackjack table (the $5 a hand just too tempting right?). And then you’re hooked. You wake up the next day with a raging hangover and a foreign girl laying next to you. Interesting enough, you pledge you’ll definitelydo this again. Viva Las Vegas!

Guitar

It’s time to fess up. How many of my fellow male counterparts own a guitar? Everyone raises their hand. How many actually play? About half the hands go up. The observations are undeniable. Guys love to rock out on the guitar. Every guy wants to be a rock star at some point in their life, but only a few get through the first lesson. Still, we all own guitars and we all wish we could play like Van Halen.

Brad Pitt

I seriously think every dude has a “man crush” on Brad Pitt. What’s not to like about the guy? He’s been with both Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie, while never failing to be uncool in the process. We root for him in such movies as Troy and Snatch, and pretend we’re somehow capable of such God-like status. We also say we like every one of his movies because “he’s a rock solid actor.” Have you ever seriously met a guy who did not like Brad Pitt?  Thank you Brad Pitt.

Steak 

In all honesty, you could replace steak with a wide variety of other foods but how can you ignore this juicy tenderloin? You can if you are a sick human being with such cheesy titles as “vegetarian.” How can you only eat carrots with a dish so truly delicious? Steak is brilliant and I’m forever grateful to the cow, an animal so dumb it will eat itself to death but also the name behind bacon and hamburger. We salute you, dear cow.

…Now run along to the slaughter house will ya?

Video Games

 Accepted by almost every male in the entire universe and equally despised by the female race, video games continue to only receive love from the dudes. Why? I mean how can you not appreciate the pure beauty of an XBOX 360 or Ps3 (by the way, if XBOX wants to send me a free system for publicly endorsing their system, I would appreciate the kind gesture). Let’s face it, video games are so special to our hearts, Asian kids will literally die from playing one.

Sports

A man is always cautious of another man who claims the NFL is too violent (“66% of former players have life-lasting head injuries) or states the NBA would be better off with players couldn’t jump. A man is also fearful of another who makes such insane predictions, only Barak Obama is capable of pulling off. In short, men love sports. We like all sports equally, but have a slight preference toward football, basketball, and baseball. We also love watching two grown men knock the crap out of each other inside a ring (or cage). Two men can talk alone on the subject of sports for hours. Thank you Mike Ditka and SportsCenter.

Chuck Norris

Just missing out, were honorable mention nominees Clint Eastwood, Slyvester Stallone, Al Pacino, and Robert de Niro. We love these guys because they constantly play the badass in every movie. But how can you give a nod to these folk, without first crowning Chuck Norris? Norris is, in a very few words, “unexplainable.” The guy can drop kick anything and everything. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open, knock out two birds with one stone, eat just one Lay’s potato chip, and single handedly disproved the theory of evolution (there is no evolution, only what Chuck Norris decides will live). Quite simply, he is the greatest man alive.

Booties

Booty is the distant cousin of the boobies. It always tops the list of woman features, because no matter the shape or size, I can assure you some guy or race of people will appreciate the behind. There are a lot of famous booties to honor, but for the sake of time we’ll have to skip to the top few. Thank you Jennifer Lopez, Beyonce Knowles, and Kim Kardashian.

Beer Guts

Beer guts suck, yet like the H1N1 swine flu they are inevitable to someday take over the world (metaphor courtesy of MSNBC). Let’s face it, unless you are health freak (one who works out one or more times a week) and eat healthy (meaning you avoid anything that tastes good) you decrease your odds of a beer gut by 70-80%. If you do neither of the above, you’re percentage of beer gut likelihood is 100%. We hate them, but later on learn to embrace beer guts as nifty TV trays or bass drums.

Liberals

If you are in the minority (as evident from the past presidential election), you hate liberals. Fox News is your friend, and a very “legitimate” and “fair” news source. You strongly believe that Barack Obama is the anti-Christ. The current health care reform has drove you to attend such things as “tea parties” and “public hearings on health care.” You most likely live in the states of Texas, Wyoming, Montana, Nebraska, or the states in the south.

Hollywood

Some people may hate celebrities because they have everything we always wanted and still are unhappy. Others just may not agree with the incredible amounts of greed, pride, envy, and horrible movies this sector of the U.S. produces every year. No matter your angle, Hollywood, despite the past trend of thinking, is a place we love to hate. We hate actors who tell you to recycle your soda and drive hybrids while they sulk in million dollar mansions. We love to hate those who are especially down in the dumps and can’t catch a break. The basic formula is this: if you have a lot of money and media attention, we’re gona straight up hate your ass.

“Mondays”

Mondays suck. No one likes them, yet one guy or girl always has to crack a joke about a Monday, every single Monday. Damn, did anyone notice how many times I said “Monday” in that last sentence? Monday is always a great day to call in sick, but you’re Tuesday will thus become a Monday x2. Yes, I know what you’re thinking. Monday’s are a very twisted and heartless day. Thankfully, Thanksgiving also does not fall on a Monday. I beg to differ with anyone who merely thinks that is a coincidence.

People Who Talk in Theaters

 
The whole point of going to see a movie is to sit in silence for two hours and watch a really good film or at least persuade your girlfriend into giving you a (censored for the family audience). People who talk in theaters are just above Satan yet not as bad as “404, not found” when searching for the Carmen Electra sex tape. People who talk in theaters will talk for a number of reasons and none of them are constructive. With the price of admission now close to $10 after dark, I can guarantee one of these people will get assaulted in the near future for “taking the call.”

Outspoken Professional Athletes

A lot of people hated Muhammad Ali while he boxed because the man called it like it was. Today, Ali is a rather beloved individual battling the horrific Parkinson’s disease and another kind of sickness has spread across professional sports. Superstar athletes with a platform to say something (Tiger Woods, LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, etc) instead elect to state the obvious and ring off a collection of cliches. For those athletes who do speak up (a la Latrell Spreewell, Allen Iverson, etc) often do so only to complain about playing time or money. Kids need athletes who they can respect both on and off the field. If you can shoot a basketball better than anyone else, good for you. But please attempt to say at least one intelligent (and grammatically correct) statement off it. Then we can really hate you!

Conservatives

If you hate Bill O’Reilly and believe Sarah Palin is the anti-Christ, you my friend are either Bill Mahr or a liberal. Bill Mahr’s live in California, Washington, New York, and many of the other Eastern states. Liberals roam throughout the remainder of the United States. You believe MSNBC is a “legit” and “fair” news source. You also more than likely believe religion is a fable (aka Bill Mahr) or you simply think you are making a substantial difference in the world by recycling (aka Al Gore).

Bosses

It’s time to drop the act for a moment (I’m talkin’ to you brown nose) and get real with TPH. No one likes their boss. Everyone thinks they can do a better job when compared to a pencil pushing, suspender wearing, money hungry, slowly balding boss. If you’re too old, people think “you’ve lost a step with today’s market.” Too young? “That little prick doesn’t know anything.” If you’re too tough “you’re a Nazi”; too easy and “you’re a pushover.” Bosses, while few good one’s exist, really have a tough job. Don’t think so? Try steping into their shoes for a day pal.

Running out of T.P.

No, T.P. does not stand for Tom (Pathetic) Cruise (although we do wish we could get rid of him), but rather your favorite cleaner upper. Toilet paper is highly cherished, yet never gets any love. That is until of course, you run out of toilet paper. T.P. in a sense, is like an offensive lineman. You never notice them until they do something wrong. They will also protect your back side.

Note: I included this “hate” item while sitting on the john with my laptop, working on this very story. Needless to say, I now have a very dirty laptop.

Terrorists

Unless you are Ward Churchill or Sean Penn, you were more than a little upset after the recent attack on Fort Hood and other attacks on this great nation (both terrorist and non-terrorist) that jeopardize our way of life. Terrorists are insecure party poopers who were likely brainwashed at an early age and convinced that they must destroy America. Today, you get “heroes” strapping bombs to their bodies and walking into a public market. To quote George Bush, “terrorists suck.”

In all seriousness, we may not hate many things, but one thing we should all agree on is the severity of terrorism and our need to constantly protect our freedom and rights. Thank you to all our soldiers fighting for our very rights on this very Thanksgiving. We thank you for your sacrifice.

To quote the great Rob Riggle, “USA! USA! USA!”

TPH Presents: The Deliciously Smooth Beer Drinking Game. Down one of these beers every half-hour and you’ll be good to go.

No BONUS points for officially becoming an alcohol, hint, someone who cracks open their first beer before noon.

DISCLAIMER: Things People Hate takes no responsibility for losing your job due to drinking on site. It’s your own fault you play drinking games while on the clock!

Budweiser

Okay, I know what you are thinking…How the hell can you include Budweiser on a “Deliciously Smooth Beer” list? My answer? It’s actually not that bad. Plus, Bud is cheap enough to count for a good value while guaranting a strong, dependable taste that is all-America. Still not sold? Budweiser is the highest selling beer in the world.

Red Stripe

LCD-laced marijuana is not the only quality “crossover” product the Jamaicans produce. Red Stripe is rasta, reggae, and entirely smooth (not to mention the sweetest beer bottle in the industry). I’m still conducting secret experiments to find out if this stuff is laced with weed. I’ll let you know.

Smithwicks

Smithwicks is Ireland’s most popular beer so you know it’s good. Seriously, the Irish know how to drink so you have to trust their…uh…judgement on this one. Interesting enough, when pronouncing Smithwicks, you completely ignore the “W.” Leading many to pronounce the beer as “Smithicks,” “Smitticks,” ”Smidicks,” or ”George Duba Bush” (a popular joke with the liberals).

Foster’s

Despite making some truly awesome commercials, Foster’s is the biggest poser in the beer world. Why? Despite enormous success around the globe, the beer remains rather unpopular in its native country. This beer is great to guzzle along with a fat, juicy steak.

Corona

Corona is one of those beers that tastes great after one, but God awful after…say…10. Corona has the distinct label of being “the beer for Summer.” Made popular by surfers in Southern California, the beer is quite tasty and perfect with a lime on top.

Victory

Will all the Pale Ale fans please stand up!

…I can’t tell if anyone is standing up (I’m starring at my computer screen after all). Victory is for all you Pale Ale fans. Their Hop Devil beer gives you quite a Devil of a time. You may, at some point in the evening, end up outside in your underwear humping a trashcan.

Paulaner

Not recommended to order after you’ve had a few, Paulaner may be a little tough to say but at least it’s not Smidicks. Paulaner is the highest ranking wheat beer beer in the world. It comes packed with an amazing orange flavor. Yummy!

Newcastle Brown

Newcastle Brown never gets the due it once deserved, but back in the 80′s (yes, before I was born AND of legal drinking age), Newcastle was the king of advertising. Behind such brilliant slogans as “Newcastle Brown, I’m tellin’ you, it can sure smack you down.” The beer is often just refered to as “Dog” in its hometown, which of course, allows such valuable excuses as “I’m going to walk the dog,” “I’m going to see a man about the dog,” or my personal favorite (I just made this up)…”I’m gona put the dog down” (not recommended for animal lovers).

Samuel Adams

Sam Adams is one of my personal favorites as I often ask, “How can you not support one of our founding fathers?” Adams pounds out microbrew taste at a macrobrew rate which always makes this guy happy. Adams is also a very proud guy, often not afraid to point out one of their many awards during an ad.

Westvleteren

At this moment in time, people are going What????

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present a beer only alcoholics can truly appreciate. Westvleteren is so coveted, it’s truly harder to infititrate when compared to the Italian mob. You can only purchase the beer, at get this, a monastery. You must call ahead and only one case is available for reservation per car. A beer that hard to get your hands on must be great, right?

Honorable Mention (yes, because beer deserves it)

Sierra Nevada: All in one great taste, that would crack most people’s Top 10.
Guinness: Hate it or Love it, this beer is like Kobe Bryant.
Sam Smith’s: Plain name with old school labels that is sold in four packs??? Why the hell would you want that?
Rogue: O.G. of the “micro-brew” and notorious for the “Dead Guy Ale.”

If you wear this same t-shirt to class the first day thinking you’ll “be funny and original,” note you’re just one of the hundreds of other idiots who thought the same thing. “Beer Pong” shirts also are not acceptable.

Dear Sucker,

For many of the ”ambitious” individuals like you, the beginning of this week or last week represented the first week of college. Congratulations! All the time spent filling out applications, writing cliche essays, and handing over senseless charges such as application fees really paid off.

You are about to have the time of your life (cough) (cough). You’ll have so much fun you’ll barely be able to stand it.

So as a precaution I figured I would outline what the next school year is going to look and feel an awful lot like.

The first week will be sketchy to say the least. Amidst all the keg stands, beer pong tournaments, and pot smoke you’ll have trouble remembering the name of that guy/girl you kissed last night. If you are truly fortunate, maybe you’ll get some nasty virus from that beer pong cup you shared with twenty people last night (one of them had herpes btw) and you’ll be forced to withdraw and return home without owing a single dime.

If you are not one of the few lucky ones you’ll begin class on Monday and Tuesday full of excitement and nerves similar to what you felt on the first day of kindergarten. By the end of the week you definitely will no longer attend the 8 a.m. class and will overachieve if you attend any of the other classes (besides exam days) for that matter.

The “Freshman 15″ is no joke and with a healthy diet of McDonalds and other fast foods consumed after 10 at night, are you really that surprised?

You’ll likely care less about putting on the 15, because “you’re having so much damn fun” or “you just don’t care, because your parents never let you eat like this.”

…Then you’ll spend the next 40 years attempting desperately (and with little success) to remove that same beer gut you put on, “during the glory years.”

The rest of the first semester in college should read something like this: Rarely attend class. Take exams after a long night of “slamming.” Finish with a C average.

Nights are filled with endless binge drinking and drug use. Late night runs to T-Bell. Several fetal attempts to land a girl in the sack. One or two “lucky” attempts thanks to an extremely drunk girl.

Really undersized one room dorms thanks to universities who feel the need to charge you thousands of dollars every year yet deem it necessary to pay professors hundreds of thousands.

Fat loving diner hall food. A few friends to share that lucky meal with each day. College loans expanding by the minute.  

Professors who think they are too cool for school. Professors who secretly want to hang out with students. “Professors” who actually aren’t professors, but rather graduate assistants who fill in for lazy professors out eating lunch and complaining about their salary. ”Graduate assistants” who actually think they are professors yet are no smarter than you, and in actuality actually dumber because they felt the need to stay in school 2-4 more years.

By the end of the year, you’ll be so excited for the summer you’ll barely make it. You’ll finish the second semester with another C average. Your excitement to move back in with your parents and work a minimum wage job for the summer (which will do little to contribute to your college loans) will be inappropriate.

You’ll be out mowing lawns at the cemetery one day that summer when it will hit you. “College is a waste of my time. Instead of making money now, I’m pretending that I’ll somehow make way more four to five years down the road.”

Then you’ll do the simple math and realize that “extra income” from going to school will actually not exist, because it will contribute to monthly college loan payments.

…And then the Devil crawls up from the grave you just dug and feeds you this lie:

“I don’t really need college, but I’ve already spent one year of four which means I’m 25% done. I would be crazy to drop out now.” 

I’ll see you in five years after you graduate and work beside me at Things People Hate.

Sincerely,

A former College Sucker

Sure people have used beer boxes as “going green” trashcans or something of that nature, but this???

Check out this dude from Nebraska…

No panty hoes, no problem. A man in Lincoln found a way to save some cash all the while holding up a convenience store for get this…$50 worth of cigarettes.

The dude who was in need of a serious fix is still on the loose after getting away with nine packs.

Now I may not be an expert, but shouldn’t the cops search for a dude on the corner of the street slamming a brew and smoking like there’s no tomorrow?

This dude’s got homeless written all over him. Although the picture above would make it seem like he’s wearing a classy suit. Is he Tyrone Biggums?

Apparently the world’s finest in Lincoln do not have many clues to follow in this cigarette theft. Although word on the street is he put his hand under a green towel to mimick a firearm. Nice!

What’s the over/under he downed all those beers in the box personally before holding up the store?

You want to know why?

The broadcast was shot live at the arena in the middle of the main concourse.

Four or five middle aged, beer belly sportin’ dudes were about as happy as a little school child in time for recess.

I spent the entire seven minutes of the segment watching these four of five middled aged, beer belly sportin’ dudes bouncing up and down in the background of the camera shot with a cell phone in hand.

I forgot how much this irritates me everytime I witness it. Which for a normal sports fan, is nearly on a daily basis.

Now there are a lot of things that irritate me about cell phones and what people do while talking on cell phones.

Watching middle aged men bobbing their head up and down in the background of a camera shot with cell phone clutched to their ear is one of them.

It’s like their 15 seconds of fame has just arrived and they can’t wait to tell their pal “Steve” about it.

They’re like deer in headlights, although they’re actually excited about getting ran over.

Which brings up a good point. How about hiring a Terry Tate knockoff to bodyslam every dude that acts like they died and went to heaven when they’re caught in the background of a sports shot?

How about creating cell phones that would blow up the second someone tried to call their friend or (even worse), their girlfriend the moment they knew they were on live TV?

I’m getting  a little graphic here aren’t I?

Please tell me I’m not the only one here who hates seeing this at live sporting events?

Please tell me you’re getting sick of this. Now if the two fine looking ladies above were caught on camera, that would completely change my opinion on this matter. But every time it’s dudes!

If anyone can prove me wrong with an example of a girl doing the same exact thing on television I’ll take it back.

But it’s always middle aged, beer belly sportin’ dudes…

What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.

They’re on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans’, he says.

Put them back. With the price of gas today, we can’t afford it,’ says the wife and they carry on shopping…

A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and sticks it into the cart.

Whoa, what do you think you’re doing?’ asks the man.

It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,’ she says.

And the man replies . . . . . . . . .

SO DOES 24 CANS OF BEER, AND IT’S HALF THE PRICE!

• If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
• With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.
• With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
• If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left
• But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drankall the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drinkheavily and recycle. It’s called the 401-Keg Plan.

The Mexican finally brings something good to the white people table. I mean, forget all the other contributions the Mexican has provided (fresh produce, the California Missions, the bandanna hairpiece, the word “holmes”) as those all pale in comparison to the glory that is a cold Corona with a bitter-sweet taste of lime. So, back to what I was saying, finally the Mexican brings something great to the table only to have it ruined by some cheap ass broke-back, er, I mean bar-back, who’s boss finally let him tend bar instead of wipe the foamy puddle of beer residue off the floor and the damn kid forgets to put a lime in the Corona. I mean, picture this, there you are finally having mustered up the cajones to fork out $4.50 for a beer outside of Sams-to-Go one sunny Sunday afternoon and by an act of idiocy you are left lime-less, left with a taste of something that is a cross between flat budweiser and that funky sewage smell you experience when pushing through the barred gate on your way out of Tijuana while trying to wipe that sweet horror that is the donkey show image out of your mind. Speaking of donkey shows, you are half way through your lime-less and now warm Corona and all you can think of is how you would love to take that 3-foot long donkey wang and whack Broke-Back over the head with it until he bleeds lime juice out of his nose. Who forgets the damn lime especially on Cinco de Mayo? Idiot. I hope he gets some ‘wang’ cheese in his hair.