Apparently this alleged romance, between two people I’ve never heard of, was so special that it needed an exclamation point. Then again, it was an E! Online “article” (I use that term in the loosest possible sense) posted on Yahoo! so the parties involved obviously enjoy using unnecessary punctuation.

After a quick search I learned that Taylor Lautner was in that Twlight movie and Selena Gomez is a Disney automaton.

Both these personages are way out of my demographic, but the headline piqued my curiosity so much that I decided to press on.

The first line in the “article” was quite confusing: “Move over, Pattinson, Stewart and Reed! Make room for Taylena!” I have no idea who any of those people are.

The “article” continues: “Taylor Lautner is the latest New Moon-er to be hit with romance rumors.  Reports say he’s gone on a few dates in Vancouver with Disney darling Selena Gomez.”

Okay, now I get it. “Taylena” is a portmanteau of Taylor and Selena, like Brangelina, Tomkat or Sheenwhore.

Now here comes the appalling part of this entire ordeal, the “article” reveals that Launter is 17-years-old and Selena is 16-years-old.  These two kids are legally minors.

I understand the possibility that Launter and Gomez have fans that care about their personal lives, but these aren’t grizzled veterans of celebrity-dom like Lindsay Lohan or Dakota Fanning.  They are technically children.  Aren’t there ethical concerns involved?

Next the “article” goes on to chronicle two dates undertaken by the couple.  Again, very creepy but for the sake of the children I press on.

Their first date took place at a coffee shop and Gomez brought with her the ultimate blocker, her mother.

The “article” quotes a coffee show patron as saying: “They were very low-key and kept to themselves.  Nobody bothered them.” Then the author adds: “the staff seemed unfazed by Taylena.”

Of course nobody bothered them; no one knows who they are!

Continuing: “Photos show the cozy duo jumping into the same SUV while being protected by a big, burly, tattooed bodyguard.”

I have a feeling that the thug does little guarding of bodies but more propping up of egos.

The “article” moves on to their second date: “A source also confirms that the two recently had dinner at a local outpost of the Old Spaghetti Factory.”

Going to the Old Spaghetti Factory is the quintessential teenage date.  It’s nice to learn that even celebrity teens, who are supposed to be so creative, artistic and mature, possess the ability to pick the worst restaurant in town. They’re living in Vancouver, B.C. and the restaurant they chose to dine at is Old Spaghetti Factory?

However, the “power couple” wasn’t fortunate enough to go unnoticed at the OSF: “The only fuss came from a small group of girls ‘who were really excited’ but were too shy to approach them…”

Were the girls too shy or just stuck in their booster seats?  I hate to keep harping on his OSF thing but do you really want to take a date to a restaurant frequented by small groups of girls?

From here the “article” takes a very disgusting twist: “Get ready to see a lot more of Mr. Lautner. Remember that shot of the shirtless New Moon [werewolf] that was released earlier this week by the studio? Well, I hear similar pics of Lautner are on the way.”

If the author of this “article” said that about Gomez he would be arrested.   He’s talking about pictures of a topless 17-year-old child.  I need a Silkwood bath.

Speaking of writers, this “article” was composed by Marc Malkin with additional reporting by Dahvi Shira. Unbelievable, it took two people to write this drivel.

I understand this article was not written for someone of my advanced age and I also understand that child actors aren’t immune from media attention.  However, I found this particular article morally objectionable, insulting and sickening.  Our children deserve better.

To read the full article click here.

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