Coming to a retailer near you later this summer, GTA: The Tonight Show.

Law enforcement has reported that someone allegedly committed grand theft against The Tonight Show.

The crime? Thousands of dollars of wardrobe at an office facility for the show. The clothes were reportedly for the band as a new “look” for Rickey Minor and the rest of the crew.

The LAPD is investigating.  No word yet if it was Conan O’Brien.

Hate! Hate! Hate!

According to multiple sources, the current stall between O’Brien and NBC reaching a severance deal is over a provision which prohibits Conan from trashing NBC. You have to remember that if you can’t say something nice, then don’t say nothing at all. After all, Conan should pick on someone his own size.

Let me get this straight. NBC still fears a negative public image? I would have assumed that the mockery of NBC over the last couple of weeks is plenty enough to entirely destroy the reputation of the network. They can’t even get their listing straight!

A mass production of insults have been hurled at one and the other over the past couple of weeks, so it’s tough to say who is acting like the “big baby.” According to one source, Conan is griping about the amount of severance NBC is paying his staff. Conan may lose his job, but he will not lose his Ferrari in the process, as the source tells us that O’Brien will land a cool $32.5 million for his troubles. However, the rest of the staff will only see around $7.5 million, which is just not cool with Conan. 

Conan’s lawyers also want $600,000 added to the staff’s severance pot, but NBC is balking. Network sources say it’s such a small amount that Conan is really just posturing to make himself look good. When was $600,000 ever a small amount? I know we are talking TV figures here, but NBC could use ever penny they can get. This is especially true, given the network believes it can make $40 million in profits off of Leno the first year he’s back, but would lose $5 million if Conan stayed on the air.

Does NBC make a great point or are they a bunch of selfish pencil pushers?

You make the call.

Let me get this straight. It was only a few months ago that NBC made the very smart move (in my opinion) to replace Jay Leno with his follow-up act, the often hilarious Conan O’Brien. Then, NBC decided to keep Leno around with the unprecedented “early late night show.”

Was it merely too much “talk” or just the fact that Jimmy Fallon was dubbed the replacement for Conan’s show? Yes, I thought the Jimmy move was completely idiotic, but it turns out Leno is creating more of the problems than Fallon.

Make that all of the problems.

Leno is unwilling to let go. I’ve always thought he was a funny dude, but when he opted to return to NBC in his new role, he not only destroyed his reputation but the reputation of “The Tonight Show.”

Somewhere…David Letterman is laughing.

‘In an assistant’s snatch?’ Come on now, that was just low.

O’Brien is right, the move to the 12:05 slot will destroy the reputation of “The Tonight Show.” He also has reason to be upset. O’Brien is a truly talented and funny individual, but that Jay Leno keeps getting in his way.

O’Brien just released a candid letter to the “People of Earth,” in which he addresses his “personal disappointment” in losing the show. Conan adds, “The Tonight Show at 12:05 simply isn’t The Tonight Show.” Conan also rips NBC, claiming the network promised him the opportunity to build a lasting audience, but “sadly, we were never given that chance.”

He makes a fantastic point. NBC completely left Conan out to dry. They promised him a big promotion after years of doing the dirty work on “late, late night” and now they’re shipping him right back to where he came from. It’s a mail-ordered bride gone bad.

Sadly, O’Brien appears stuck with NBC. In the letter, he admitted that he has yet to receive any other offers from other networks which means he’ll likely stick with NBC.

Thanks Jay.

While the secrets will remain until the show airs, here are the top ten reasons you should tune in tonight. Thanks to Popeater for supplying the top ten list. Thanks to Hulu for the rocking vids.

Mel Gibson is Octo-Dad?

Back for another round…

“I guess I’m Octo-Mel!”
– Mel Gibson, confirming he’s expecting his eight child, on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

“‘Am I being Punk’d?”
– Brooke Shields, recalling her thoughts when Tom Cruise asked to come over to her house and apologize to Health Magazine.

“What would I do instead of run out in front of 80,000 people and command 52 guys and be around guys I consider brothers and be one of the real gladiators?”
– New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, on his goal to play football for at least another 10 years, to Sports Illustrated.

“Honestly, to tell you the truth, I don’t even know who Robert Pattinson is.”
–  Danny McBride, on his competition for the best fight category at the MTV Movie Awards. FYI, for those of you who do not know who Danny McBride is, he’s Red from Pineapple Express.

“In New York people would come up to me on the street and say, ‘Hey, Conan!’ Here in Los Angeles the only way I’m going to meet new people is if I accidentally get into their car.”
– Conan O’Brien, about leaving behind the Big Apple to take over hosting duties on The Tonight Show.

His final show as “The Late Night” host offered the usual laughs with some unexpected touches.

The deepest part on the show occurred when he invited all the children born to show staffers during his tenure (68 of them in total) to fill the studio stage.

“That’s what I’d like my legacy to be,” Leno told the audience. “When these kids grow up and they go, `Hey, mom and dad, where did you guys meet?’, they’re going to say they met on the stage of `The Tonight Show.”‘

Leno also stated proudly that he took over the top-rated late-night show from Johnny Carson and was passing it on with the same number one ranking to Conan O’Brien who takes over Monday.

“Which means I get my security deposit back,” Leno joked about the number one ranking.

O’Brien served as Leno’s final guest Friday night, a classy gesture to his good friend.

“You were the perfect choice. You’ve been an absolute gentlemen in private and in the press,” Leno remarked to O’Brien.

The rest of the night included an introduction of Jimi Hendrix’s “The Star-Spangled Banner” performed by Kevin Fubanks and one last slam at O.J. Simpson. “I found O.J.’s knife. I had it the whole time.”

Things White People Hate break down the best quotes from the week with expert analyses on every single one.

Elisabeth Hasslebeck to Lil Wayne

“Can you brush them?”

Hasslebeck who apparently was curious enough to ask Lil Wayne about his diamond encrusted teeth made the question I’ve been wondering for years.

“Can you really brush them???”

I’m still a little baffled about the point of having diamond encrusted teeth. Anybody have a legitimate explanation for why the hell you would do that?

Jennifer Garner to Matthew McConaughey

“He’s like chemistry and charisma in heat.”

Okay, so it’s not bad enough McConaughey gets to make all of us other dudes look bad with his shirtless jogging photos, but now this???

Garner really took a shot below the knees at all the other dudes out there.

Better watch out Ben Affleck…it appears you just got some new competition brutha.

Spencer Pratt

“We’re not playing. I’m not trying to get pig flu.”

Definitely the comment of ignorance this week. Pratt and fellow newly wed Heidi Montag apparently found it desirable enough to spend the honeymoon in Mexico despite the recent “pig flu” attacks. Little did Pratt know, he’s already making out with one on a daily basis.

Jay Leno to Conan O’Brien

“I had a horrible dream. I couldn’t breathe…then I woke up and realized Conan was holding a pillow over my face.”

Finally the explanation for why Leno went to the hospital last week. I was wondering what Conan was up to now-of-days, but this??? I should have seen it coming.

Julia Roberts to Tom Hanks

“Everybody f– likes you.”

Julia Roberts got straight to the point when she payed a tribute to Hanks at the Film Society of Lincoln Center Gala Tribute.

True. How can you not like Forrest Gump?

Fortunately the NBC late-night talk show appears to be “doing very well,” since his release from the hospital.

Leon was forced to cancel his Thursday night show unexpectantly after a health concern became too close for comfort.

Amazingly, it was Leno’s first canceled show since taking over the Tonight Show for Johnny Carson.

That is really amazing.

A spokeswoman from NBC stated, “We are happy to say that Jay Leno is feeling much better and has been released from the hospital. He’s anxious to return to work on Monday.”

No word on what exactly forced Leno to cancel the episode and immediately check into a hospital.

Leno, who is counting down the days until Conan O’Brien takes over, hopefully will return to good fortune and great health.

I open up with tonight’s greatest hit…Chris Brown!

And the drums go: dum dum dumph…

Sorry for the cheesy opener, I’ll try to make that my last.

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight is my very first post on Things White People Hate, which I must say is a childhood dream. I sort of feel like Conan O’Brien right now, preparing for his first late night show taking over for Jay Leno. So in the spirit, I will keep my ego in check and interview myself, congratulating me on my success…

REYNS GEMS: It’s awful nice to have you on ThingsWhitePeopleHate.com…

Reyns Gems: Thank you, I’m happy to be here.

REYNS GEMS: You said this was a childhood dream?

Reyns Gems: It most definitely was. I hope to make more people laugh than that woman with all those babies.

REYNS GEMS: The octuplets mom? I think people actually hate her.

Reyns Gems: Oh they do? I thought everyone loved babies.

REYNS GEMS: Maybe you’re not exactly what ThingsWhitePeopleHate.com really needs?

Reyns Gems: How dare you. That’s like questioning whether or not Mike Tyson hit Robin Givens.

REYMS GEMS: You seem to be obsessed with people hitting other people. Especially celebrities in the media lime light.

Reyns Gems: Hey, I just call ‘em how I see ‘em.

REYNS GEMS: Any last words?

Reyns Gems: I just hope I can make you all laugh longer than Nick Cannon. And if I can’t, I’ll keep my career alive another twenty years doing stupid celebrity reality shows.