You see, we once really loved Lindsay Lohan to death. She was that cute, innocent, charming freckled girl who made everyone smile and feel better about their lives. I think she even discovered the cure to cancer once. Then, she became this vicious, self-loathing, crack snorting, booze whoring young woman and the general public hated her guts.

It’s a love or death relationship.

People these days act like the mistakes Lindsay Lohan hurt them in some way. Like a sharp piercing pain. It seems like they cannot get enough of this drug that is Lohan. So the coverage continues and continues and continues.

Like the 48 hours (or so) we just witnessed:

Friday

It is reported, via her Twitter page, that Lindsay Lohan has failed a drug test and consequently violated her probation. Nothing like direct-from-the-source coverage. Sources (not Lohan this time) also report that Lohan was drinking and laughing when she made the tweets. Furthermore, two friends apparently “coached” her on the correct words to use.

-10 points scored to Lindsay Lohan for violating her probation, +11 points for announcing it via Twitter. You’re cool, dude.

Later Friday

Public backlash ensues. Anger erupts. Some serious “hater-aide” is dealt for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

-12 points scored to Lindsay Lohan for being so stupid. -22 points scored to America for getting so upset over Lindsay Lohan.

Next Friday (no, not the movie)

Lindsay Lohan is sent back to jail and denied bail. Celebrities are notorious for getting away with murder so we predict that she’ll be out in three days. Which stuns us when…

-15 points scored to TPH for being surprised.

…Less than 14 Hours Later

Lohan is released from jail. Seriously? Ten f**king hours!? I’ve done detention sentences in the fourth grade longer than that!

-200 points to the American justice system.

“The Foreseeable Future”

We wait for round two. Lindsay is due back in court October 22nd. Until then, she must wear a monitor bracelet and “avoid places with alcohol.” Which is everywhere, except, what? Utah?

Go f**k yaself.

Now reports are surfacing that Brittany Murphy received no fewer than 200 pills every month from January of 2008 to August of 2009. The report even stretches to suggest Murphy could have consumed as much as 400 pills at one point or the other.

Murphy used an alias – Lola Manilow Murphy – at Eddie’s Pharmacy in Los Angeles for nearly two years before the pharmacy finally cut her off four months before her death. The records at the pharmacy reveal that Murphy received regular support for hydrocodone (Vicodin), clonazepam and Klonopin (anti-anxiety), as well as Vicoprofen (a Vicodin/ibuprofen combo).

However, the owner of Eddie’s Pharmacy cut Murphy and her family off four months prior to her death because, “We thought there was going to be an accident there.”

Also, between 2003-09, sources tell TMZ.com that Brittany received prescriptions for 32 different drugs at another pharmacy. The drugs included: Inderal and Propranolol (high blood pressure), Sarafem (a type of Prozac), chlordiazepoxide (sedative), promethazine (sedative), and four different drugs for asthma. A number of antibiotics and allergy medications were also on the list.

Who knows the merits needed to warrant such a high collection of drugs, but one can only wonder how this could get so out of control. Sadly, celebrities need to cope with stress, pressure, and the demands of their job through drugs is nothing new and will probably never go away altogether.

Maybe it was just one “big misunderstanding,” but how do you defend the claim against the father of Brittany Murphy that he was denied access to his famous daughter’s final resting place?

According to sources, Angelo Bertolotti (father of Murphy) arrived at the Forest Lawn Memorial Park in Hollywood Hills on Monday. Bertolotti proceeded to ask directions to Murphy’s grave. Bertolotti claims he was directed to the main office where officials refused to give him any information about his daughter, despite Bertolotti’s claim that he would provide proof of his relationship to Brittany.

The story may sound downright cold, until the revelation is made that Bertolotti is not officially listed on Brittany’s death certificate. That honor, meanwhile, goes to one large blank space. So why the omission of Bertolotti’s name on the death certificate? And better yet, why was the man turned down at the cemetery?

A Forest Lawn rep told TMZ their policy is to only allow people with proof of a relationship to a deceased person, access to the gravesite. However, Bertolotti isn’t ready to end this fight just yet. He also told TMZ that he’s going to the L.A. County Coroner’s Office today to get his name on Brittany’s death certificate.

Because it’s not official without the certificate.

10. “I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.”
9. “I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
8. “There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?”
7. “I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.”
6. “I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.”
5. “I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.”
4. “In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.”
3. “If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job.”
2. “My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.”
1. “Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, ‘Be fruitful and multiply,’ but not in those words.”

Travolta refused to make his son’s disorder public not because he wanted to respect his privacy but rather because Scientology told him to keep a lid on it. 

Also, contrary to recent reports, Travolta is still connected with the “church” and claims his faith has never wavered, even after the death of his son.

…And Tom Cruise is still in the closet.

Travolta’s silence on autism in years past was consistent with Scientology’s unofficial position on the subject. Sceintology also does not believe in medication because the aliens over in planet “X” can save you from all that. 

Apparently Scientology bigwigs are unhappy with John’s recognition of Jett’s condition, but Travolta remains “firmly committed” to the false religion. A source close to Travolta also told TMZ and Travolta has used Scientology as “therapy” in trying to cope with Jett’s death.

So let me get this straight. The people who run Scientology would rather Travolta lie to a grand jury than admit his son was autistic? Last time I checked, lying to a grand jury is a felony.

Unfortunately Travolta is still handing over checks to this joke while they slap him on the wrist and quietly whisper…”Bad John.”

While reflecting over the major events of the past summer three things come to our minds: an inordinate number of celebrity deaths, the heated town hall meetings over healthcare and the bad movies that made a lot of money at the box office.

TPH takes a look back at the summer of 2009. Despite the first section being labeled the “the summer of death,” we stayed away from tragic and horrible events like H1N1, Iranian election protests, deadly earthquakes and Al Franken being sworn in as a U.S. Senator. We decided to stick with more cheery subjects.

The summer of 2009 stretched from June 21 to Sept. 22.

The Summer Of Death
What most people will remember about the summer of ’09 is the death of Michael Jackson on June 25. Despite being a world class freak, Jackson was one of the greatest performers of all-time. His sudden death and the myriad of memorials that followed reminded us all just how good, and just how exploited, he really was.

The coroner ruled his death a homicide—he died from a combination of drugs in his system—and law enforcement officials are currently investigating.

The summer of 2009 will always associated with Jackson even though the questions surrounding his death may not be answered for years to come.

Besides the King of Pop, there were several over celebrity deaths this past summer: Ed McMahon (June 23), Farrah Fawcett (June 25), Billy Mays (June 28), Steve McNair (July 5), Walter Cronkite (July 18), The Taco Bell Chihuahua (July 23), John Hughes (Aug. 6), Eunice Kennedy Shriver (Aug. 11), Ted Kennedy (Aug. 5), and Adam Goldstein “DJ AM” (Aug. 28).

Cash For Clunkers
Officially known as Car Allowance Rebate System, Cash for Clunkers offered American citizens economic incentives to turn in their old jalopy for a new fuel efficient car. The program started on July 1 and ended Aug. 24.

Was it a success? If you judge it by the 690,114 dealer transactions then yes it was a success. If you judge it by the fact that taxpayers will have to pay for the $3 billion the government spent on the program then no.

Teachable Moment
On July 16, Harvard University Professor Henry Louis Gates, Jr. was arrested at his home by police investigating a 9-1-1 call about men trying to break into a house.

As the cop was doing his job, Gates broke out the “Why, because I’m a black man In America?” routine. Eventually Gates was arrested for disorderly conduct.

When President Obama heard of the incident he called it a “teachable moment.” The officer and the cop were invited to the White House for a beer with the President and Vice-President.

Town Hall Meetings and Tea Parties
When concerned Americans gathered at the various town hall meetings held around the country to question lawmakers on the proposed government takeover of healthcare, the media branded them as racist, crazy and on the fringe.

When Americans gathered at Tea Parties organized around the country to protest high taxes and big government, the media branded them as racist, crazy and on the fringe.

What we learned from these events is there are many Americans fed up with high taxes and big government. Sure, a few were a bit whacky, but for the most part they were honest Americans with honest gripes.

We also learned that if there’s one sign comparing President Obama to Hitler, the mainstream media will find it.

Track Gets A Bolt
He’s doing the impossible. He’s making us care about track and field in an off-Olympic year. Jamaica’s Usain Bolt shattered the 200m and 100m sprint records at the Berlin World Championships in August. Second-for-second, he’s the most exciting athlete in the world.

Oregon Rolls A Blount
The college football season opened Sept. 6 with a sloppy game between Boise State and the University of Oregon. After the game, Oregon running back LeGarrette Blount, who said earlier in the week the Ducks owed the Broncos an ass kicking, punched Boise State defensive end Byron Hout. ESPN’s cameras perfectly captured the moment. Blount was rightly suspended for the rest of the season but his throw-down gave college football fans something to talk about.

ACORN Falls & Takes The Mainstream Media With It
On Sept. 8 Hannah Giles and James O’Keefe released the first of five videos revealing employees of ACORN were more than willing to help a prostitute and a pimp get their business going. If that wasn’t bad enough, the ACORN employees also counseled the couple on trafficking underage girls from El Salvador.

Giles posed as the prostitute and O’Keefe played the part of the pimp.

Despite the undeniable evidence, the mainstream media ignored the story. There was a time when they would have jumped on a scandal like this and reported on it incessantly. Apparently those days have passed and so have the days of the MSM being relevant.

Rude Interruptions
First it was Joe Wilson shouting “You Lie” at President Obama during a joint session of congress (Sept. 9).

That weekend, Serena Williams threatened to shove a ball down a line judge’s throat at the U.S. Open (Sept. 12).

The following night, Kanye West interrupted Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech at the MTV Video Music Awards (Sept. 13).

These incidents got the media and the blogosphere all lathered up and ready to extract a pound of flesh. Not to defend their churlish behavior, but the aforementioned outbursts were by far the most exciting moments of their respective events.

Beatles Infestation
For the umpteenth time in history, the Beatles dominated the summer. On Sept. 9, the band re-released its re-mastered catalog as well as video game, “The Beatles: Rock Band.” Both will introduce the Fab Four to a whole new audience.

While the Beatles were on everyone’s mind they weren’t the only thing that happened in the world of music this summer:

On Aug. 5, Aerosmith front man Steven Tyler fell off a stage during a concert in Sturgis. Tyler was hurt bad enough that the band had to cancel the rest of their tour.

On August 29, Noel Gallagher quit Oasis.

On Sept. 10, Phil Collins announced that due to a spinal injury he will never play drums again.

Good Box Office, Bad Movies
Hollywood may have set box office records this summer but their movies set back cinema hundreds of years.

Transformer 2: Revenge of the Fallen (released June 19) and G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra (released Aug. 5) took in pant loads of money but both were downright awful and insulting to our intelligence.

We left the theater asking who watches this stuff and then we realized we just did. No wonder Hollywood keeps churning out crap.

Conclusion
Did TPH miss something? Did TPH include something we shouldn’t have included? What will you remember about the summer of 2009?

It’s one thing to create politically incorrect comedy. It’s another thing to spread false rumors that someone has died.

Some jerk-offs (like the Joe Buck reference?) apparently found is funny to spread fake rumors about George Clooney dying on fakeawish.com.

According to Stan Rosenfield, Clooney’s publicist, the rumors have sparked a wide assortment of frantic calls from legitimate media outlets and some of Clooney’s friends who were concerned about the reports of Clooney’s death.

With the rash of actual celebrity deaths in the last few weeks, “death pranks” are at an all-time high — but the people who are starting these terrible lies are still the scum they’ve always been.

Death might sell, like I mentioned yesterday, but it’s never something worth joking about.

The last time I checked it’s not really funny to spread fake rumors about anyone dying.

Bravo for winning the “d***he bag” of the day award.

The Los Angeles Coroner’s Office completed his autopsy on Friday.

Michael Jackson’s body was released to his family Friday night.

However, the coroner isn’t expected to rule on Jackson’s cause of death until toxicology and other additional testing is completed. It will take approximately four to six weeks to get those tests back from the lab.

Four to six weeks? On NCIS it would takes minutes. On any CSI, even the crappy one in New York, it would take hours. In the Law and Order universe it would take about one day.

Even on The Closer, which is set in Los Angeles, Brenda Lee gets lab results back quicker than four to six weeks and her show is on basic cable.

I understand that television shows are slightly different than real life but four to six weeks to get lab results back is ridiculous (some media outlets are even reporting six to eight weeks). One could order the lab results from Amazon and get them sooner—and with free shipping.

He’s the most famous person in the world and it’s going to take a month to run lab tests? Jackson was able to get several billionaires to bail him out of debt but he can’t get one civil servant to work through lunch.

When Jackson was alive he could jump to the head of any line in the world. Now that he’s passed away, you mean to tell me that he can’t even take cuts in the queue to the centrifuge?

You might say that in the eyes of the law his death is no more important than the death of anyone else. I guarantee you the people ahead of Jackson didn’t record the first album I ever bought or introduced the moonwalk dance on Motown’s 25th anniversary show in 1983.

The entire world wants to know what happened to Michael. Run the damn tests already!

I would like to meet the lab tech that has the gall to keep MJ’s test at the back of the line. Then again, maybe she’s a Prince fan.