10 Reasons Why Michael Bay Sucks

Bias Warning: Today’s post was written by a filmmaker/writer who is insanely envious of all the money Michael Bay’s films make.

Michael Bay – either you love him or you hate him. It’s the ultimate cliche of an individual who is controversial and usually extremely rich and successful. Thus, we once again enter [Michael Bay]

I’m here to tell you Michael Bay sucks and I have 10 facts or proofs to back my decision. I’ll start with the most obvious…

10. Michael Bay is Hitler

That is, according to Megan Fox. Remember it’s fact not personal opinion, so based on Fox’s observation, Hitler died several years ago, reincarinated into the sad pathetic creature we know as Michael Bay, and this time decided to make really horrible movies instead of operate holocausts. What’s sad is I can’t decide what’s worse, or for that matter, if the Holocaust actually ever occured (kidding Jews). Fox’s untimely comments became public just after the huge box office success of “Transformers 2″ and will quickly be forgotten by the time “Transformers 3″ begins production. Amazing how much they both need each other, isn’t it?

9. He Made “Pearl Harbor”

Okay so every great director has one major bust, but “Pearl Harbor?” Are you serious? Pearl Harbor did to movies what Vanilla Ice did to “The Surreal Life” finale (and rapping too).

I believe South Park creators summed it up perfectly in the song, “Pearl Harbor Sucked…and I Miss You,” off the movie “Team America.”

Why does Michael Bay get to keep on making movies?/

Granted he had Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett to work with, but still! Bay single-handidly ruined one of the most iconic pages in American history retold through the medium of film.

8. He Produces Cheap Horror Projects

Nothing screams “a filmmaker in it for the money” more than one that helpped produce cheap date movies, “The Amityville Horror,” “The Texas Chainsaw Massacure,” “The Unborn,” and “Friday the 13th (The Bad One).”

The formula is simple. Find a group of attractive teenagers (it doesn’t matter if they can act), make sure you have at least two dudes and two really hot girls. Kill off one dude first, followed by a close call with the less attractive chick, followed by death of the less attractive chick, then followed by a cheap race to the finish where the hotter chick (and possibly hotter dude) make it out alive. Attach a $9 admission ticket and you have a hit.

7. His Background is in Advertising

Okay, so nothing screams “in it for the money” more than a director with a background in advertising. Bay spent his 20′s working on commercials (hey it’s a start) and a few music videos. Yes he worked with Tina Turner, Meat Loaf, and Lionel Richie (not ‘Lil Wayne and Missy Elliot), but whenever your first nomination for an award is via MTV, you have reason to panic.

6. Can’t Sit Still (Both Physically and Metaphorically)

Fox compared him to Hitler on set because he acts like a dictator. Dictators can’t sit still because they always want control and take action to gain that control. Bay also can’t keep a camera still to save his life. If the shot does not require a dolly, it must be for the closing credits.

Slow motion is also vital in a Michael Bay film and don’t forget that extra flash from a camera to drive home the point – “This shot is really awesome and you should love it too!”

5. Editing Comparable to MTV

MTV edits for crack addicts and Michael Bay follows closely behind, catering more to people souped up on energy drinks and payote. If people can comprehend what’s going on in an action shot, before it quickly cuts to another, Bay is not working properly.

Also you need to be sure to include quick cuttaways that include some extra saying something really corny or that already adds to what we just saw or thought. “If it ain’t cliche, it’s aint Michael Bay.”

- I could make a fortune with that tee.

4. Black Comic Relief barely better than Overall Dialouge

Bay is well known for his selection of a black comic relief in nearly every movie he directs. Is he racist or just think like me – black people are incredibly hilarious when given a single line of corny dialouge?

Eddie Griffin shined in “Armageddon,” Leonard McMahan looked good in “The Rock,” Mark Christopher Lawrence went sci-fi in “The Island,” and best of all, the minstrely robots “Skids” and “Mudflap” in “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen,” fit every stereotype of a black gang member meets Terry Tate.

The overall dialouge cannot compete with comedy like this.

3. Rejected by USC Film School, Dated a Playmate, and Single Biggest Source of the Economical Meltdown

Hmm…where do I begin?

Bay was rejected by USC’s film school. Okay, USC has one of the most prestigious film schools in the world, but still, does a school really “reject” anyone who is willing to fork over $30k a year for advanced education?

Bay also dated Playboy centerfold Jamie Berqmen, which just makes me jealous and he shot over 1 million feet of film for “Pearl Harbor” which makes him the single biggest source of irresponsible spending (yes, even over our government). 

2. Rejected by own Father?

And the fact that is so cold, it belongs on “Coors Light: Cold Hard Facts,” Bay’s claims his father is John Frankenheimer, despite the objection and proof of a 1980′s DNA test that says otherwise.

Bay still holds to the claim and says the DNA test was flawed and not up to standards with today’s DNA testing.

Frankenheimer as Bay’s father? The man stubbornly denies it. Man, that’s cold.

1. Story Structure = Intelligence Level of Octo-Mom

So I had to take one last crack at Octo-Woman. Octo-Mom has more children than sub-plots in a Michael Bay film.

Several actors have went on the record and admitted that Bay focuses more on action than he does on the actual plot of the film. Some say that he rarely does more than one or two takes of close-up’s on actors in pivotal story scenes, but my question to you all…Did we really need a bunch of actors to make that observation true?

Once again South Park summed it up when they turn to a bunch of filmmakers to help create a story for an episode of the show. The cops end up settling with Mel Gibson after a hilarious scene with Bay demonstrating an action sequence where a bunch of cars blow up.

Cop #1: “He’s describing an action sequence.”

Cop #2: “I’m afraid he doesn’t know the difference.”