Okay, Seriously…The Things We Are Thankful For

“The Things We are Thankful For” may be a day late, like an Octomom period – but it’s never too late in Things People Hate’s mind to celebrate the great feast of Thanksgiving (we should be thankful every day of the year anyways, right?). We had a lot of trouble narrowing down this list to only 10 items, but I can assure you that you’ll love every single item as much as you love me (which is very little). Sorry, I like to set the expectations low for an article.

Boobies 

Fact – babies are drawn to the woman’s teet from a very early age. Also a Fact – we love them even more with age. You can’t fight science so what’s the sense in fighting the selection of boobies for our Top 10 list of “The Things We are Thankful For”? Boobies come in all sizes and a few shapes, but they never fail to let down a man. Alexander the Great once wrote, “when faced with the cold, hard reality of death – give me titties to clutch on to as I fall into the depths of darkness.” He was a smart man.

Beer 

Nothing shares the universal appeal to make botha good or bad day better than an ice cold beer. Men love to down beer at land-speed rates. Name one thing beer cannot do! It’s often drained in large quantities after World Championships, crucial defeats, wedding ceremonies, divorce proceedings, and at the Things People Hate’s office. And yes, it almost always leads to poor decisions. It’s five o’clock somewhere.

Las Vegas

Normally us humans try to avoid the desert, unless we are going to Las Vegas. Let’s face it, Vegas provides endless possibilities and rarely are they healthy. Vegas boasts plenty of the first two things on our list (boobies and beer) while also supplementing a healthy dose of gambling. What is it with gambling? Seriously? We know ahead of time we’re going to lose large chunks of money, yet we cannot avoid the blackjack table (the $5 a hand just too tempting right?). And then you’re hooked. You wake up the next day with a raging hangover and a foreign girl laying next to you. Interesting enough, you pledge you’ll definitelydo this again. Viva Las Vegas!

Guitar

It’s time to fess up. How many of my fellow male counterparts own a guitar? Everyone raises their hand. How many actually play? About half the hands go up. The observations are undeniable. Guys love to rock out on the guitar. Every guy wants to be a rock star at some point in their life, but only a few get through the first lesson. Still, we all own guitars and we all wish we could play like Van Halen.

Brad Pitt

I seriously think every dude has a “man crush” on Brad Pitt. What’s not to like about the guy? He’s been with both Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie, while never failing to be uncool in the process. We root for him in such movies as Troy and Snatch, and pretend we’re somehow capable of such God-like status. We also say we like every one of his movies because “he’s a rock solid actor.” Have you ever seriously met a guy who did not like Brad Pitt?  Thank you Brad Pitt.

Steak 

In all honesty, you could replace steak with a wide variety of other foods but how can you ignore this juicy tenderloin? You can if you are a sick human being with such cheesy titles as “vegetarian.” How can you only eat carrots with a dish so truly delicious? Steak is brilliant and I’m forever grateful to the cow, an animal so dumb it will eat itself to death but also the name behind bacon and hamburger. We salute you, dear cow.

…Now run along to the slaughter house will ya?

Video Games

 Accepted by almost every male in the entire universe and equally despised by the female race, video games continue to only receive love from the dudes. Why? I mean how can you not appreciate the pure beauty of an XBOX 360 or Ps3 (by the way, if XBOX wants to send me a free system for publicly endorsing their system, I would appreciate the kind gesture). Let’s face it, video games are so special to our hearts, Asian kids will literally die from playing one.

Sports

A man is always cautious of another man who claims the NFL is too violent (“66% of former players have life-lasting head injuries) or states the NBA would be better off with players couldn’t jump. A man is also fearful of another who makes such insane predictions, only Barak Obama is capable of pulling off. In short, men love sports. We like all sports equally, but have a slight preference toward football, basketball, and baseball. We also love watching two grown men knock the crap out of each other inside a ring (or cage). Two men can talk alone on the subject of sports for hours. Thank you Mike Ditka and SportsCenter.

Chuck Norris

Just missing out, were honorable mention nominees Clint Eastwood, Slyvester Stallone, Al Pacino, and Robert de Niro. We love these guys because they constantly play the badass in every movie. But how can you give a nod to these folk, without first crowning Chuck Norris? Norris is, in a very few words, “unexplainable.” The guy can drop kick anything and everything. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open, knock out two birds with one stone, eat just one Lay’s potato chip, and single handedly disproved the theory of evolution (there is no evolution, only what Chuck Norris decides will live). Quite simply, he is the greatest man alive.

Booties

Booty is the distant cousin of the boobies. It always tops the list of woman features, because no matter the shape or size, I can assure you some guy or race of people will appreciate the behind. There are a lot of famous booties to honor, but for the sake of time we’ll have to skip to the top few. Thank you Jennifer Lopez, Beyonce Knowles, and Kim Kardashian.