The Greatest Excuses for Skipping out of Work

Mayo tried to look up her skirt.

It’s a Friday and the last thing you want to do is spend a couple more hours at work. The local pub is offering specials on drinks right now and the game starts in 15 minutes. Quick, here is your guide to the ten greatest excuses for skipping early out of work.

Note: These will not work if Bill Lumburgh is your boss.

The Old Grandmother

‘The old grandmother’ may be dead or you may not even like your grandma, but that’s beyond the point. If your boss has half a heart, he’ll automatically sympathize with your situation. Tell the boss your grandmother was really sick but now she is doing a lot better. She’s baking cookies and sending them to everyone who visited her while in the hospital. You offered to go help. Heck, you may even save a relationship by directing your boss self-conscientiously to his or her office to make a long overdue phone call to his or her mother.

The Meter Guy

Nothing is more frustrating then when your job hinders the job of someone else. Cops and Detectives are notorious for getting into verbal arguments over jurisdictions in movies, and since movies are 100% completely true, you know this happens all the time in real life too. Tell your boss the water meter guy and the gas meter guy were both leaving cards on your door since you were not home. The two got into a fight about whose meter was better, and now you have to go home and clean it up. No one likes a heated verbal exchange, so the boss will quickly excuse you to avoid another verbal disagreement.

The Supportive Father

Once again, you do not even need to have kids or necessarily like them. All you have to do is sell the story. Tell your boss your daughter is receiving a Nobel Prize and you’d like to go to the ceremony. The boss will buy it because daughters are always really smart and sons are pothead losers. This also works great if your boss has his or her own daughter and she is a royal screw-up. Your boss, in turn will secretly envy your terrific daughter and think you’re a great day.

The Hidden Power of a Vehicle

No one likes to deal with a mechanic. This is especially true if you work in a office, as your boss probably lacks any motor skill or ability to practice general labor (i.e. this excuse does not work if you are in fact a mechanic). Mechanics are horrible people just below the lawyer and the doctor. They will lie, exaggerate, or even make up a story to earn a decent living. Tell your boss you need to pick up the car at the shop. If you do not get there in half an hour, they’ll lock it up all weekend. The boss will immediately agree with your situation and may even offer to give you a ride to the shop.

Use the Pets

It’s a scientific fact. People like pets more than they like other people. You may find a boss that hates people, but you’ll never find a boss that hates both cats and dogs. Find out which one they prefer by casually dropping in the question at a social. Record the answer for later use because you don’t really care and you’ll more than likely forget it because the boss told you. Two months have passed and now it’s time to open that document back up. Tell the boss your dog/cat has a rash and you need to get it to the vet asap. You’ll never be rejected for this one. Your son/daughter’s rash, on the other hand, might be rejected. Stick with the pets.

Make it Bizarre

If your boss is in his or her mid-50′s and appears “play it by the book,” yet lacks a formal education – you can get by with a really bizarre or non-existent excuse. Tell the boss your truss snapped and you need immediate care. Since he or she has no idea what a “truss” is, they will not ask for fear of looking naive and will immediately excuse you. You could also say NASA is sending you to the moon as part of a test experiment and you’ll be back by Monday. Maybe you left the refrigerator on and you’re concerned. You could even use my favorite: “Both my furnace and my central air conditioning won’t stop running. The goldfish are fine but my basement is about to explode.” Works on Mayo every time.

Religious Confessions

Always use religion in the work place. Thanks to political correctness, you’re now Muslim and may take five breaks during the day regardless of the fact that you at steak for lunch. If you are one of those strange people with a really bizarre religion, you can practically make up religious holidays and it will be hard to argue against it. If you support a “popular” religion like Christianity, pull out the bible (yes that book), turn to the Old Testament (the first part of the book), and locate the first name you can find. You’ll likely stumble across names like Hobab, Nun, and Shaphat. The longer the name – the harder it is to respell when your boss is searching google for “The Christian Afternoon Holiday of Naphtali.”

Hint: Still having trouble locating a name? Consult ‘Numbers.’ It’s a census after all.

Other Dreaded Places

Never underestimate the importance of places that suck like the DMV. Tell the boss early afternoon that you need to go renew your license. When he or she asks why you didn’t hit the DMV first thing in the morning (like everyone else does), reply that you wanted to get to work on time and contribute “an honest day’s work.” Your boss will appreciate the effort and grant you the afternoon off. Other places that suck and work as good excuses? The airport and the dentist.

The Therapist

Everyone has problems so why shouldn’t you see an imaginary shrink every Friday afternoon? The best thing about this excuse is its consistent. It’s basically a free vacation pass! And when your boss calls to confirm the weekly appointment, the therapist will mistake your boss as a mobster looking for a hit and kindly reply, “that information is confidential.”

Honesty

Last but no least, if you are not very creative or still have dignity, you can just tell your boss the truth. “I’m going to sleep.” Bosses appreciate honesty, right?